𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 || baxter radic (discontinued)

14.

𝒄𝒐𝒗𝒆'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗

The moment I confess that I do indeed like him my heart rate crashes through the ceiling. All my defensives go up and every part of me wants to curl into myself, hide away, and never reappear. I understood the assignment when I came here, distract Bax, make him fall in love with me. That seemed to come easily. But now that I'm here—in this situation—I feel a bit like a fraud. Like I misled him.

My defensive mechanism is to just negate everything I've ever said. Admit to feelings, then pull back. It's what I've been doing to him since I met him and I can tell he's had enough. I don't want to lose him—both selfishly and for the sake of Summer and Ari. I just wish I knew how to stop myself from slipping into old habits.

The moment he called me his, my anxiety sky rocketed. My hands started to turn clammy. My mind turned into a tangled web, not knowing how to function like a normal person. So instead of just agreeing to be with the boy I want to be with, I fight him on it. I come up with some lame response that pushes him away again.

He doesn't roll his eyes at my words, but he doesn't have to. His annoyed demeanor is easy to read. I watch him shift like a shapeshifter every time I go from hot to cold. Just like clockwork, I've only gone and done it again—like he hadn't just warned me that he's has enough.

"Okay, okay." I groan admitting defeat for my own caused drama. "Boyfriend and girlfriend." I look at him, a proud smile pulling to his lips like a kid that's just won at life.

"Much better." He pats my head as we approach our friends.

"I'm not a dog." I glare at him as all eyes flick to us. I see it out of the corner of my eye. Instant questions start flying at us, like somehow this is out of left field—when it definitely is not. Maybe they're all just playing dumb. With them, you never know.

"She just said she's my bitch." Bax shrugs his shoulders as I nail him in the ribs with my elbow. He deserved that. I was not his "bitch". I was his loving, amazing, awesome girlfriend who he should feel very grateful to have.

"And she's regretting it already." Summer laughs. "Don't worry, I've been there." She winks at us. Bax losing it over how the two of us are treating him. We were just taking a page from his book, he should know us Americans fight sarcasm with sarcasm.

Despite finally becoming a couple, we don't show it off in front of our friends. We aren't like Ari with any girl he's with ever. It's not who we were. We lived off pushing each other's buttons from far away instead. We could sit across the room from one another and still feel distracted by each other. But no one around us would ever know.

When I'm alone with Summer she asks for details, wanting to know everything. But I don't spoil much. I actually lie because at the end of the day, what happened between Bax and I was our secret to have, not share with anyone else. She knows I'm lying, but she doesn't push it.

"Do you actually like him Cove?" Summer leans against my headboard, asking the true and deep question.

"I do. I mean at first it was all to help you but you weren't wrong when you said it's hard to not like him. He's so charismatic and fun. He's annoying, but he does have a heart of gold. He'll do anything for anyone as long as you ask. I don't know Summer." I sigh.

"You do know. You didn't want it to happen, but it did. And now that it did your freaking out because that's what you do. It's the Cove way. If it's not planned—if it's not perfect—you feel out of control and you spiral." I nod my head because that was true.

"Bax is the opposite of you. I feel like you two are actually quite suited for each other. You're just being you." She sighs. "Just let go for once. Have fun, enjoy him."

"I have let go." I protest. But had I really? Let's be honest, I was in control of every situation ever. If Bax even tried, I would immediately step on his toes. It's what I do. The only person who I'm able to open up to—or for—is Summer. That girl controls my life. I wish she'd take control now because I feel so scared to be his.

"Not really." She chuckles.

"He's a player Summer. He's going to hurt me. That's the only thing holding me back." Also definitely not true. There was way more than that holding me back. All of it being just my brain itself.

"If he hurts you, then he hurts you and you move on to someone better. You always bounce back. Every time you enter a relationship you fear that and guess what? You're fine every time. Just because he's Australian doesn't mean this will be any different. If you like him, then like him, and enjoy it." I sigh knowing that she is right. There is no point in dwelling on something out of my control, something that might not even happen. I had a right to enjoy what I was handed. 

I open my mouth to speak, but she starts talking again before I can. It's short, simple, and to the point. "Plus he's like ten times hotter than your exes so, you're taking a massive win here Cove." She laughs, resting her head against mine. 

"Summer!" I poke my finger into her side, causing her to laugh even more.

"I mean... it's the truth." 

"Thanks for saying I date ugly guys." I playfully roll my eyes, which she can't see, letting our little conversation close out as we spend our night watching a movie.