It's fine if you don't remember me (Destiel)

7. Emanuel: I can't loose him

I was waiting twenty minutes now, but Dean didn't come. I start to worry, till the phone rang.

The hospital.

Dean was having a car accident, there try to save his life.

I call a taxi and drive to the hospital. Dean was in a operation. I call Saskia and then Thomsen and Jackson, one of Deans and my best friends. There all stay with me till the doctor call me.

I fell on knee, when I heard what the doctor say. The other rush to me. But I just sit there.

Dean breath, mechanics keep him alive, but his brain was already dead. He won't wake up, he won't recover, he was already dead.

I was allowed to see him one last time. When I go in his room, I nearly break down, my sun laying in a bed thousand of mechanics around him and covered with bruises. I sit on his bed and hold his hand. „Dean, I love you.", I say and was ready to break the promise I give him many years ago, the promise to not heal anybody anymore.

I place my hand gently on his head and try to heal him. But his injury's were to hard, it was like bring him back from death and I can't do that.

I break down crying, my husband was nearly death and I can't do anything to help him.

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One day later

„Emanuel, he is dead, there's nothing that can do.", Saskia told me. I was sitting at my home. I didn't want to turn the machines down, I just can't. The door bell rings and Saskia open it. She come in the living room with Thomsen, he look so upset like her. „Maybe you can tell him that it is over.", she say quietly and he nod. Than he kneel down before me and press a DVD in my hand. „Dean, give this to me a long time ago. He said he would kill me if I watch it, but he also say, that I should give this to you, if he dies." I look at the DVD, I nod. I understand that deans as good as dead. Saskia take the DVD and put it in the TV She press the remote in my hand. „Shall we leave?", she ask, but I shake my head. I didn't think I can go through this, without anybody.

Then I press play.

Dean appear at the screen, he was sitting in his bedroom in our old apartment. „Hey, Emanuel. I din't know when you see this, maybe I was already old. I want you to see this when I'm dead so ... Yeah. Today we have a fight, I wake up and you throw me out off the bed. You say I whisper his name again in my sleep. You now, Cas ..."

I remember that day, it was a month after he tell me he loved me. I woke up, while Dean keeps whispering Cas name. But the worst was he keep saying that he loved him and that he was sorry he never said it. I still feel the pain from that day.

„ ... You say that I didn't love you, that I love Cas more than you, but I keep telling you you're wrong, that I love only you. But that was a lie. I still love Cas and I will always do, I will never forget him."

I feel my heart breaking, tears dropping down my face. The worst part was, that Dean wasn't angry or something. He look straight in the camera, honestly and with love in his eyes. Saskia wrap her arm around me.

„But I must forget him for your sake. Cas was my world, but I never tell him, you are my happiness and I lie and will ever lie to you about Cas. I will keep saying that I didn't love him, but the truth is I will."

I sobbing. „Cut it off.", Saskia say, but I can't, I know he breaks my heart with every second, but I just can't.

Dean sighed. „Emanuel, you are Cas."

I look up and Saskia and Thomsen look even more confused, than I am.

„I never tell you, I meet you before a long time ago. You become my best friend, I loved you silently. And please believe me, I know you will do, because of the powers you have. You're name is Castiel, you are an angel of the lord. Maybe you think this is a good thing but it is not. Yeah you have powers and you can heal people and have stuff like wings, but you told me that angels are soldiers and in my experience angels are dicks. But you was different. I thought, but then you betrayed me. You do everything to win a war in heaven, even if I told you to stop, that you weren't good anymore, but you didn't hear. So you died, from the powers you can't control and then I found you again. And I couldn't tell you what you have done, so I decide to keep silent. When you remember one day, Cas, just remind me. I forgive, for everything you do in heaven and on earth and to me and Sam. I forgive you for killing my little brother. I love you. And I want you to know, the first words I ever hear from you're mouth were: I'm the one who griped you tight and raised you from perdition.' I never forget this words. You have saved me. I love you so much. "

The DVD ends. We all remind in silent.

I stand up and grab my coat on my way to the door. „Where are you going?", Thomsen ask me, clearly worried. „I need to go to Dean. He says I'm an angel, so maybe I do have the power to save him, even when I fail last time." I want to go out of the door and do everything to save him, but Thomsen grabs my arm. „You know that something like angels don't really exist." He looked worried like I'm driving insane. „But it explain everything. I have a healing power. I healed many people, but I couldn't save Deans brother, because he got totally emotional destroyed, so I can't do anything and even Dean have so bad injuries, but when I'm a real angel I can save him! And if there is just the tiniest chance to save him, I will do it! Dean is everything for me!" Thomsen look in my eyes. „But just think: If you have powers and you already try to heal him, nothing will change. Don't do that to you, con't give hopeless hope to yourself. Why do you want to do this to you?" His desperate voice hit me, but I knew the answer, before I even can think about it. „Because Dean didn't fulfilled his promise, yet. He promise me a family, but he go." Thomsen look sad about my words, nearly crying and I squirm my arm free from him. „I need to go.", I whisper and see Saskia nod behind Thomsen, she understand. Then I leave my and Deans house.