Elitease

Chapter 5

What. The. Fuck.

Why is Aaliyah's leg thrown over my own, and her head resting on my chest? Had I drunk so much yesterday? I'm so fucked. At least she still had her clothes on, which means that we hadn't gone any further than kissing. This is precisely why I promised myself not to overdrink anymore. Her eyes then slightly fluttered open as she moved off me with the help of my arm. I tried to calm down as she looked at my expression. I couldn't tell what she saw that made her raise an eyebrow, but it must have made her blush as well. I think I've never felt more confused about what I was feeling. It was a mixture of horror and embarrassment, given the fact that I didn't remember the previous night.

I leaped out of the bed as fast as I could, realizing I was still lingering around. Excusing myself to the bathroom, I took at least 10 minutes just staring. I stared at the person who was staring back at me in the mirror—someone I had vowed not to become. Opening the door, I went to change into our usual uniform when a headache began to throb in my skull. "Ah, fuck," I said, trying to massage my scalp when she came up behind me, running her fingers through my hair, gently intertwining them with mine. "We shouldn't be doing this," I said, unable to think of anything else to say. "I know." Her words gave in, but her body betrayed her by pressing further into my back. She then laid her head on my spine, and I guided our intertwined hands down to my exposed shoulders. I wished I could stay like that all day, in peace, with her, but I couldn't. Not now, not ever. Ripping myself away from her, I took my bag, plugged in my AirPods, and walked out, leaving her behind.

The guilt consumed me throughout the day since she had all the same classes as me. Seeing her face at every turn made me feel bad about how I had acted toward her this morning. I needed to be mature about this and tell her it was a simple mistake. Right, I could do that. But why did I find it so hard to say it was "simply a mistake" knowing it wasn't? I couldn't concentrate on any of the lectures or courses that I had, so I decided to head down to the library to study without feeling her eyes on me. I was a couple of pages into Crime and Punishment when... fuck she always has to be there, doesn't she? Or is it just my misluck that I always run into her? Probably the latter. It's easy to pretend like nothing's wrong, I'd been acting all my life so why did I find it so hard now? Concentrate. I went back to reading while trying to act as focused as possible, but it took little to no time to feel her gaze bore into me. I got up, not daring to look back while I took my things and got out of there.

I hadn't eaten in a long time—more precisely, 2 days. I was literally going to faint if I didn't eat anything before sunset, so I headed outside to a spot where I knew no one came. Yes, it had been a very eventful first 2 weeks, but I had already learned most of the school's whereabouts. Knowing that no one would bother me this time, I took out my phone instead. Hesitation rushed through me as I hovered over the calling button to my dad. Despite him treating me like shit most of my life, I still kind of missed him. I missed my mom more though. She was a young soul, outgoing and passionate. Apparently, when she and my dad met, it was love at first sight.

Things worked out well for them until they didn't. My dad had cheated on multiple occasions and was never present at home. My mom wasn't really there either, but when she was, she made every second count. She would teach me and my sister to write, read, and sing. Then she would disappear. For days and days, my sister and I waited alone in that cold mansion. She would then come back in a sour mood but then light up with joy and love when she saw us. The last day I had seen her, we were sitting on the edge of a lake. Her last words were, "Raven, if I will not be there when you grow older, just remember that I will always love you." Then when she left, we thought she wouldn't be gone for more than 3 weeks, but then, she never came back. About a month later, Father came into our house like he was the new "present" parental figure we had always wanted. He said he was the perfect example for us and that we wouldn't grow up to be like our mother, foolish and indecisive. I didn't dare question him what that had meant since I didn't want to hear about her anymore.

I pressed the call button, and the phone rang. Not really knowing what I was going to say. I just wanted to hear his voice even if it irritated me. "Hello?" spoke the voice of an old man.

"Hello, Father."

"Oh, my dear Raven," he then added, "I'm sorry."

What the fuck does he mean by "I'm sorry"? I hung up, feeling a knot in my stomach when he said those two words. I'm sorry. Another question to ask him one day.