Elitease

Chapter 8

Fuck, last night felt like a dream. I can remember her underneath me, screaming all sorts of naughty praises as she squirmed in my palm. I should feel a sort of longing regret for my actions, but I don't. I should be worried about the consequences that I'll face if word gets out, but I'm not.

For whatever reason, every time something has to do with Aaliyah, I feel less—what's the word—ashamed of myself. Since the very early stages of life, Father has always made sure I felt horrible about myself when I did anything and everything. On the other hand, my sister Makayla always got what she wanted. Kids at school would always say that she deserved everything I didn't, and although I didn't let it show that it affected me, it did. Little by little, I started comparing myself to her more and more, and at one point, I finally let go. It wasn't worth all this trouble to constantly want to prove myself to Father. Except it was. I continued to do what he ordered me to do. I continued to try, even if it was never enough for him. I don't think I'm going to find someone to trust with all my feelings or thoughts in my life since everyone has left. I need to stop this thing with Aaliyah before I don't know how to.

For some fucked-up reason, she reminds me of my mom. There's a warmth to everything she does and a kindness to give. She seems polite to everyone and treats all as equals. Every time our skin touches, I can feel a spark deep in my chest that makes me a bit worried about what I feel for her. After all, I want to get to know her better. What was her childhood like? Where did she grow up? 'Your brain is thinking loud,' she says, making me turn my head toward where she is laid out next to me. I can't get words to come out of my mouth, so I simply reply with a hum. I reach to take my glasses from the opposite side of the bed where they are on my nightstand, put them on, look out the window light, and see snow. The first snow of the season. I didn't even realize winter was coming so soon, but hey, we are in Canada. 'Fuck,' is the first thing that I can articulate. It's a word that can mean a lot of different things, so I'll let her interpret as she will. It can mean that I'm surprised at the snow as much as it could mean that I'm having recollections of last night and how it might be the worst decision I have ever, and I mean ever, taken.

I then feel her sitting up and wrapping her delicate arms around my waist and gently nipping at my neck. 'Let's get to know each other.' I consider it, but what if she doesn't like me anymore after finding out about my past? 'Okay.' It doesn't matter, does it? Because the sooner she leaves, the safer I'll be.

-What's your favourite colour?

-Black.

-Favorite food?

-Chicken curry, reminds me of my mom.

-What was she like, your mom?

-Sweet, caring, honest; she was the only person in my life when I needed her, and then she was gone, just like a flower changes its petals. Mine was carried by the wind and never came back. She would do that often as my sister and I would wait for her. But that time she never did.

-What about your dad?

-Grade A asshole, never took care of me, neglecting and just a straight-up narcissist. Every time I hear his voice, I get this ick, but as his child, sometimes I can't help but try to see the good in him. Like, two weeks ago, I called him feeling a bit homesick, and one of the first words that came out of his mouth was 'I'm sorry'? Sorry for what, you know. He always plays these games, and honestly, I'm getting tired of them. But that's enough about me for now; what about you, what was your life like?

-My family was normal. My mom was a doctor, and my dad was a hardworking accountant. My older sister became a lawyer after completing her studies, and my younger brother is now in school.

-What I would've given to be born in a normal household.

-No, you wouldn't have. My parents are dead.

-Shit. Can I ask why?

-I don't know. One day, my brother and I were walking home when we saw five black cars speeding away from our front lawn. Then we both rushed inside to check if my parents were okay, only to see my mom lying on the ground in a puddle of blood, and my dad went missing. We called the police, and they never found the culprit for my mom's murder. Since then, we've been living with my sister, but I wanted to get out and be alone for a while. So that's when I applied here and got in on a scholarship.

I then stand up, detaching myself from her and say:

-Then get dressed; we are going outside in less than 10 minutes.

I had no idea what I was doing. It seems like when she was getting into that really deep story, she lost all her energy, and I wanted to make her feel good, so, without thinking, I thought 'Hey, let's go in the snow!' I think winter is the best season, so I rushed to get my coat on and held the door open while she also put hers on. We went out in the snow, and when she looked peaceful looking out in the school garden now covered up by a thick white coat, I made a snowball and threw it at her. She brought out this side of me that wanted to laugh or even... have fun. She scoffed dramatically while making her own snowball, which then led to a fight. I was quickly losing stamina, so I just threw myself on her and then rolled off as we both stared into the sky from which snow was falling. I looked at her, and she looked at me. Then, I genuinely laughed. Something I hadn't done since God knows when. I found my little peace, and I was happy to stay in it for as long as I could.