Elitease

Chapter 9

Once we headed back inside to our dorm, we were a laughing mess. The "getting to know" each other had been fun. I don't think I have spoken that much with anyone in one sitting. The fact that she had enough trust in me to tell me about her past made something in my stomach flutter. As soon as we got into our shared room, though, I had this urge in me to kiss her. And kiss her I did. Not much was said afterwards as we lay together in bed. A hot mess of sounds and sweat was being made on my mattress. 

I was happy that we didn't need to discuss what this was between us. At the same time, I didn't want to complicate things either by implying that something was going on between us. I was technically still engaged to DeHaas, and nothing would change that. I hadn't seen him around school, and I sure as hell didn't want to. The fact that my dad even sold me into marriage was still a bit of a blur. I got distracted as she pulled me back into the moment and grabbed the back of my neck with her cold hand.

It didn't go any further than a quick makeout session. I lay on top of her, though, looking and admiring her face. A lump got stuck in my throat, and it kind of hit me at once. The other day we had done what we had done, and I didn't give it much thought. I knew it was wrong, so, so wrong. But it felt good, and for once in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere and that someone liked me. Instead of a good kind of silence taking up the space between us, an awkward one settled. I didn't quite know how to break it, though, so I just got up and saw that she had fallen asleep. Hm. And so, I quietly tried to remove myself from her bed and went into mine to think.

For Christmas, I was supposed to go home by myself. An obscure thing I never thought too much about was that every year, Father threw a grandiose weird party somewhere I wasn't invited to. When I was younger and tried to question him about it, he diverted the conversation elsewhere. He spared details as often as possible about the days he was going to be gone for, and when he came back, he acted as though nothing happened. And so came an idea. What if I were to bring Aaliyah back to the mansion for the holidays? I tried to calm down my excitement about that thought. If she came home with me, we would have the whole house to ourselves, and I could give her a piece of me that I have never shown anyone. Wait, was this too much, though? What if she thought that things were going too fast? Would she deny me, and then it would be awkward for the rest of my time being her roommate? Fuck. Now I was overthinking it. I checked my calendar, and there was only one week remaining before break started. Time had flown by so fast that I didn't even realize it was already December.

My screen lit up with a message. It was from Father. What does he want now? I tried not to think too much into it for fear that it would be something bad. I took a deep breath in and unlocked my phone. "For Christmas, you're going to come home with Lanchester," was the only sentence that appeared. No. No, no, no, no, no. I should've expected this from him. Of course, in the moment, I was disappointed, but then realization hit me. I was never going to escape Father's little cage he had built around me. This connection between me and my roommate had to end. I couldn't get attached to her, and I certainly could not bring her into my world and that of my dad's. I took a look over at her bed and then headed outside of my dorm so I could call him. Yes, this was the right thing to do. The minute the phone started ringing, he picked up.

"You called?"

"I want to change rooms."

"Why? Is there a problem with your roommate?"

"I want to change rooms."

"Done."

It will all be better this way. If I don't get attached to her, I can't get hurt. If I change rooms, hopefully, I won't see her again. A heavy feeling came over my stomach and heart, almost as though it had sunk. I gripped my shirt and then headed back inside. I opened the door, and she jumped back. Fuck, did she hear everything I had just spoken with my dad?

"Listen, I can-"

She just turned and put her covers over her head as she laid down on her mattress. Outside, clouds could be seen forming an angry storm. An ugly snowstorm, unlike the one we had witnessed this noon. I rubbed my face while holding myself back from trying to rip my hair out. This was for the better. It would soon all be over if I headed back home with Lanchester. When a new trimester began, she would have forgotten who I was and wouldn't seek to find me. Good. The overwhelming feeling of sadness then came. Tears threatened to fall, and they did. I couldn't stop them as I settled next to her. I could hear her underneath the blanket silently crying the same as I was. The thin layer of the sheet separated us, but it was enough to feel as if it were a continent. "I'm sorry," I whispered, hoping she would hear me. "I'm so sorry," I said breaking into a quiet sob. I found the crook of her neck and rested my chin there. Emotion was a weakness, but at this moment, I couldn't help but trust her and be vulnerable. "Fuck you." She said as she pushed me off her and slammed the bedroom door. This is all for the best, I thought to myself one last time before completely enveloping myself in the soaked wet blanket. The smell clung to it as I snuggled my face in it and inhaled. I would try to remember this scent for as long as I could because after this week, these new feelings would be locked away and I wouldn't let anyone get close enough to me to see them.