𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝑻𝒐 𝒀𝑯𝑾𝑯

𝑿𝑰𝑽

Dear God,

There's a void I'm trying to fill. It's like I can't feel, or move, or hear, as if I'm paralyzed in one specific memory such that even though time moves I'm still back there. I'm hearing her cries...

"Hormones are chemical substances that act like messenger molecules in the body. They travel to other cells and organs to help control how they do their work."

... I'm hearing the smashing of the bottle over and over again, its sharp edges staring directly at me.

"Although hormones reach all parts of the body, only target cells with compatible receptors are equipped to respond. Over fifty hormones have been identified in humans and other vertebrates. This brings us to our new topic Endocrine system where we will be seeing a complex collection of glands and organs that help regulate various bodily functions." The teacher, Mister Ojekwu, draws a circle around the word organ and glands with his red whiteboard marker.

... The way my heart dropped, that feeling, I can't shake it off. It was like knowing I was going to lose an important part of my life. The future flashed before my eyes and now fear has taken place over my body. That feeling is still coiled around my heart so tightly because,

"What hormone controls love?" a student asks, my mind far away with tears glistening my eyes. The class erupts into giggles because the topic of love and feelings always send teenagers into a frenzy.

The teacher is mildly annoyed with the one who asked the question and it shows in his tone. "We're getting there."

Meanwhile my hand shakes as I write my letter in class. My heart felt so heavy with sadness, lost hope and fear that I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think so I tore a sheet of paper and started doodling until those lines turned to words. Until the world around me was just a distant shadow fading away while I'm at the edge about to fall off without knowing.

... because it's been two days. Two days of waiting by the gate, hiding in my room, shutting myself out from the world. Two days of waiting for her to come back home. Mom...

"Who can give me an example of hormones in the body?"

Two days...

"Binta."

Ike growing anxious out of his mind, Lael falling sick and me...

"Binta!"

My heart refuses to break, that's how I know something is wrong. I'm a chipped glass waiting for the rest to fall apart...

"Binta!" My sitting partner bumps my shoulder.

The pencil snaps.

The fog in my mind is cleared instantly for me to see the number of awaiting eyes looking at me. I bet they can see my red eyes and shaking fingers, the way pain is written so boldly on my face or is my pretense so natural now that they'll never see beyond my blank look? Mister Ojekwu seems to have had enough of the class already, me not paying attention being the last straw to his impatience.