The World Is Ours

"I can't tell you"

Lacey s version ~

"Hey, Lacey. How was your day? I didn't see you in the morning at all.", Karen said, surprised, when she opened the door for me. Play it cool, play it cool. "Um yeah I had plans early", I replied as nonchalantly as possible hoping it wasn't suspicious. I made myself some cereal and took the xanax I pocketed from earlier because out of all days, tonight I needed to sleep. I couldn't deal with the fact my trust had been broken yet again by someone I let in. I didn't hear Trisha come home and her bedroom door was locked as well. Not that I was trying to talk to her, I just wanted to see if she was safe. Leaving seemed so unlike her. She wanted this as well, running away, starting fresh. I lay down and tried not to ruminate over it. I glanced at my phone hoping I'd see a notification from her but there was nothing. Just my wallpaper staring back at me. A selfie of us in bed. I should probably change it to what it was before I met her. Snowfall on a winter night. Before long I dosed off, sinking into a sheet of silk. I felt my limbs loosen and eyes shrink into my head. Wow benzos do really get the job done. But I didn't get my entire eight hours that I anticipated - my phone went off repeated at 4 am. Her message lit up my screen and I tried to suppress a smile. The familiarity of her notification made me feel a tinge of warmth and almost elation. What was I feeling?! Why was I feeling that? I couldn't reply back, not if I had any self respect. But I was curious to know that she said. I slid down the notification bar. There's something I can't tell you. I stared at the screen, unsure of what to make of that. What does that even mean? Is this about her history? And if it was when why was it suddenly important? I felt an urge to just go across the passage way and just ask her. Instead I killed a hour and scrolled through Tiktok, then called her. "I'm so sorry", she said as soon as she picked up. I could almost hear the tears in her voice and I felt my heart clench in my chest. "It's okay", I found myself soothing her. I suddenly felt petty, there could be a perfectly real explanation for all of this. I gave her a moment to collect herself and tell me what happened. "I can't..tell you...I can only say...leaving was a necessity. I had to. I'm sorry.", now she was full-on crying. The body wracking kind of sobs. Instantly I cut the call and ran to her door. "Trisha?", I said quietly. No reply. She wasn't home?? "I can't talk right now", she whispered, right against the door. I tried the door anyway and it opened. She never locks her door like I do. I'm always paranoid about leaving it open, just in case. I saw her in the darkness, curled up in a fetal position on her bed, cradling her head in her knees. I sat beside her and said something I'd never said before. Usually I'm always badgering people to tell me stuff but I couldn't not be patient with her. Her silence told me this was something bigger than herself and I was learning to respect people's boundaries. "I'll be here whenever you're ready to tell me, there's no rush", I told her gently. And I left before she could say anything. Space is probably what she needed right now.

Trisha's version ~

Three years ago ~

"Trisha! Get ready, Nolan is coming over to help with the ceiling. The whole thing will collapse if he doesn't fix it today." Mum waking me up this early in the morning would usually piss me off but Nolan was coming over?? This was pathetic honestly because I was acting like a twelve year old with a hopeless crush but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly excited. Just a teeny bit. Nolan had been a family friend for a year now but also did a lot of plumbing stuff for us, he was good at that sort of thing. He wasn't old like the other people we had around to fix stuff. Think he said he was 19? And I was nearly 15. I found myself fantasising about him restructuring my whole room and me "supervising" him. His vanilla and tobacco cologne filling up my senses, intoxicating me. Ugh, no I was starting to have a crush on this guy. Hopefully it's just one of those 48 hour things. "Trisha, come downstairs and help!" I sprinted down the stairs wearing my favourite galaxy sweater and grey leggings with a subtle tinge of foundation and lip gloss. I hoped it wasn't too obvious. I mean, I wasn't trying to impress him or anything. Just my usual look. "Clean the counters, I don't want any dust here by the time Nolan starts the work.", my dad said firmly. As I was starting to clean, there was a knock at the door. Firm, manly, and I suppressed a smile. I knew he was here. "Hi, Nolan, come in. Do you want some tea?", my mum asked. She was probably struck too by his politeness and sculpted cheekbones. After a few indistinct words with my mum, Nolan said hi to me, smiling with his teeth. I smiled back nervously. It didn't feel so warm anymore. I turned around and went back to the counters. After he was done for the day, he asked me how school was going. That was so random! But hey, we were alone in the living room and my parents were upstairs. So why not let me chat me up a bit? It felt so...wrong though. I don't know why. "So...you're in year 10, right?" How did he even know like wow, stalker much? "Um, yeahh, and are you in uni or something?", I said trying not to sound flirtatious or nervous but it was hard. "No actually I dropped out of college and started working full time. 2/10. Would not recommend." he said giggling. I laughed with him. He seemed so nice, and genuine, and authentic and...whatnot. But there was always something else in his eyes that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Slyness? I didn't know. But I wasn't naive. Everyone told me I was smart when it came to guys, I just ran with my emotions sometimes which is pretty self destructive in the long run. "That could never be me!", I said as a joke but then instantly regretted it because of how judgemental and condescending it sounded. Because maybe he dropped out of college to support his family or a legitimate reason like that. He just smiled in response and went upstairs to say bye to my parents. And I guess that's how it starts.

Trisha's version ~

Current day ~

A few weeks passed after the whole running away thing and I guess Lace was paranoid about being sent back home for no reason because she was still here, with me. I started to get over the whole having to see Nolan every time he texted and hang out with him but it was just hanging out I guess so it was fine. Well, not fine fine but I had to do what I had to do. I didn't want him to send that picture to my family for them to misinterpret the whole thing but also the more I met him, the more risky it was. It gave him more leverage, not less. But apart from the fortnightly meet ups, life was chill. College was hectic but that's college. Lace and I were closer than ever but I could still feel this massive weightage of my past strain our relationship and it felt one of us would slip through the cracks of our friendship every now and then. The other thing was, and I was really confused about this, but I didn't just view Trisha as a friend. She was, but it was also...more deep than that? She seemed like a part of me almost. We had sleepovers every Sunday night and she would always try get me late for college in the morning because she "didn't want to be alone" which then led me to comfort her and say I'd cook dinner for us both and we'd have a movie night when I'm back. Then she'd give in and we'd video call if I was going to be back home late to prove I hadn't forgotten about her. Was that just being close friends? Or was it...more than that? I didn't really know at this point. Either way, she meant the world to me and if I was allowed to bring one person with me if I was stranded on an island, it would be her.

Lacey's version ~

Now that a few weeks had passed since then I learned to accept the fact that Trisha had her secrets and she didn't have to share them if it was that personal. I liked her, maybe even loved her, but of course I couldn't tell her that. Just in case. I felt hopelessly clingy towards her like making her late for college on purpose and moaning about being hungry so she'd cook for me. I liked being looked after by her, it made me feel safe and whole. That massive void inside me my whole life? She really did fill most of it. We decided to draw a line over the whole running away thing because it was too chaotic plus we were both nearly 18 anyway, we could just wait. My 17th was tomorrow but I was hoping she'd remember without me telling her. I wanted to make this a really big one. My last childhood birthday! Well technically that's 15 before the big 16th but I didn't really get to celebrate that and other milestone ones so this one has to be glamorous. This was really such a big deal to me and if she forgot this ..well  I'm never talking to her again.