Dear Reader- Taylor Swift

Part 6

"What the hell was that?" Mom asks as soon as she comes, storming over to me in the car park, making me huff as I ignore her, focusing on TJ instead. "Lizzie, where are you going?" I can hear her shout a muffled "To see Sage" before I sigh. That is not going to be good. At all. Not that I have time to focus on what Lizzie is doing right now. I need to talk to TJ.

"TJ, I need you to listen to Mummy for a second. Can you do that?" I ask, knowing that he hasn't got the best attention span, so I have to make sure he's listening to me. When I know he is, I smile, crouching down to his level as I try to fix the mop of hair on his head. Not that it's any use. His hair never seems to want to be anything other than messy, and it's adorable.

"You can talk to anyone you like on set. But maybe you could not talk to Taylor. It's just she might have questions that she shouldn't be asking you. So if she does ask you anything, I want you to run and find me, alright? I don't care what I'm doing. You interrupt me and tell me what she asked you. Can you do that? If you do, you can have doughnuts," I offer. As much as I want to just slag her off to him so that he'll stay clear of her, I can't do that. He deserves to get to know her himself. Just not yet.

"Is Taylor my Mama? Is Taylor my other parent, Mummy? You said she was busy working, but I would meet her one day. You said she loves me a lot but wasn't ready to meet me yet. Is she ready now, Mummy? Is that why she's here?" He asks, making me freeze.

How the hell did he figure that out? He is way too smart.

"She has the same eyes as me, Mummy. You said I have Mama's eyes, and hers are just like mine. Her face looks a lot like mine, too. Plus, I saw a picture once in your room in a box under the bed, and it was her and you smiling together; you both looked younger, though, like some of the pictures Grandma has in her house of you. And I saw another one of her at Mamaw's. Normally, while we were there, there were gaps in the photo wall and frames turned down. One time, I picked one up, and it was Taylor with Mamaw and Pawpaw. Is she my Mama, Mummy?" He explains, making me fall to the floor so that I'm sitting in front of him, pulling him into my lap as I hold him close, not even looking at Mum, who I can feel staring at my head.

"You are so smart, you know that? You got that from me. You might look more like her, but everything up here," I tap his forehead softly, "that is all me. You remember that, alright, padawan? You might look like your Mama, but all your brains and all your heart, that is all me and you, okay?" I smile, trying to fight away the tears.

This is not how this was supposed to go. This is not how he was supposed to find out. He wasn't supposed to find out this young. Why does he have to be so bloody smart?

"She is your Mama, padawan," I whisper into his hair, making my heart hurt as he starts to cry, his face digging into my chest as tears dampen my skin.

Fucking hell. There's no fighting my tears now. TJ doesn't cry often, and when he does, it is almost impossible for me not to cry with him. He is so happy, so, so, so, happy all the time. The fact that he is now sobbing in my arms is breaking my heart, destroying what little of it wasn't broken.

"Why didn't Mama want me? You said she was busy, but she is here. We have been here for weeks. Why didn't she say hi to me? Am I not enough for her, Mama? Did I do something to upset Mama? Is that why she's never around? Does she not love me, Mummy?" He asks in between sobs.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"She did, padawan. She did want you so, so, so much. How could she not want you, TJ? You are the best little boy ever. She just, um. It's complicated. Adult things made things really complicated. But she did want you, TJ. You know you're named after her. Taylor James Johansson. Taylor for her, James for me. She was named after James Taylor, and you have both those names. She has always been with you. Right here," I patted his chest softly, which wasn't easy since he was squished up against me as tightly as possible.