He didn't think this would go over so ... poorly.
Though, Raj knows these signs. The creasing of the eyebrows. The quivering bottom lip. The bobbing of his Adam's apple- up and down, up and down- as he forces those feelings back down his throat. Forces his voice to stay steady, to remain unbothered.
Raj was never good at thinking, anyway. It was never his job to.
Bowie pinches the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut, as his labored breathing starts to slow and to deepen. It takes eons for his lips to finally move, make some sort of noise, give some sort of answer.
"It was a game, Raj," they make eye contact, and all Raj sees are reasons to feel shame, feel guilt.
"Well, I know that, I've been in plenty of games," Raj stares down at his feet, sliding them across the grass back and forth, carving some sort of indent into the grass. "I just... I'm proud of you for getting this far into the game, but Bowie, you were ... mean."
A sigh escapes Bowie, a heavy burden unloaded. It wasn't a part of his facade, or his game plan, or his pathway to the crown. It was only Bowie.
He was selfish for ever being worried in the first place.
"Well, you're not wrong." The attempt at a humorous tone fails to mix well with the obvious clogging of his throat. He coughs to free his voice. "But, that's not me. That was the game. I really do like you, Raj."
His thoughts burn like acid on his tongue. "I ... I don't think you're like that. But, I'm just scared," before he could start to comprehend what he was saying, the words tumbled out on their own. "About everything! I don't know anything! You're so confident in yourself, and who you are, how you-"
"You can say I look gay."
"... Nevermind that! It's just... I'm not ready." Raj looks away, almost embarrassed. "I don't know how this works. I'm sorry."
Bowie stares off to the side, avoiding eye contact. Every moment that passes is another foot Raj's heart plummets. Until, eventually,
"Okay," Bowie responds. "That's okay. I can't force you to be comfortable. I guess I'm ... glad to have helped you find yourself."
Raj stares at the dirt.
"... I just hope I wasn't used, Raj," the passive aggressive tone says more than his words ever could. "If all we'll ever be is a summer camp fling, then, okay. But, I'd rather have met you somewhere different."
"Bye, Raj."
The sounds of footsteps gradually fade away into silence, until it's only Raj, the wind, and the trees.
He never did like to be alone. His legs feel like concrete, but he takes step after step away from the nature, away from the empty, and back to the noise and the bustle.
The Playa Del Losers hotel. The two weeks of nothing between seasons was heaven to some. Not to Raj, though it wasn't quite hell either. Some purgatory, where he's left with endless time. Time to think thoughts he's never had before.
Introspection was terrifying. Before his mind swirls too deep, Raj stumbles his way up the stairs aimlessly. His hand lifts itself from his side, and taps itself one, two, three times against the door.
"Come in!" A muffled voice sounds from inside.
The door handle doesn't budge.
"It's locked," Raj calls back over.
Silence, followed by footsteps, and now the creaking open of the dark oak door. A light shines from the other side. No, the light shines from the other side. Wayne's bright smile is infectious, and Raj feels himself grinning as well.
