I want to know what color I am. Vol. 1

Chapter 5 - My negative thoughts

— Get ready for physical education class.

I was at school in my class. Today would be the first time I had physical education class in this body.

— What do I do now?

— Keep calm, Nagisa, I won't be able to be there for you, unfortunately.

— I'm scared...

— No one will judge you in this room, I know there are people who judge you at school, but the whole class likes you.

— I hope...

We were referring to the uniform change in the room where all the girls changed.

Anyway, all the students got up to change, and I went along.

I entered the room, as did all the girls.

Just as expected, all the girls were changing and chatting. Even though I was well known in the class, I didn't have friends with any girl in the class.

I always say that I don't care about life, but this bothered me a little, I'm not usually excluded, but I felt excluded in this room.

Anyway, I changed into my gym clothes, left the room and went to the gym, first of all the girls, I just wanted to get out of there quickly.

— Hi, how was it?

— Horrible.

— Did someone hurt you?

— No, I just felt excluded.

— You've never felt this way before.

— Now I feel it.

— At least now you're with me.

— Yes.

— Now the aptitude tests will begin. - Said the teacher.

— You'll do great. - I told Makoto.

— I know I will.

—Not modest at all.

— Hahaha, that's just how I am.

And the tests started, it was horrible. I had to run, stretch, jump and all that boring stuff.

— Thank you for participating in the tests, the results are on the wall.

I went there with Makoto to see how we were.

— You came first among the boys.

— It was expected, you, where did you stay?

— Seventh position. It's an average result, considering we have 15 girls in the class.

— You really have always been average in sports and physical activities.

— There's no need to throw it in the face, right?

— Sorry.

— Ok .

I had to go back to the same room and I had to feel excluded from the other girls again. It had been a while since I felt a negative feeling.

—Nagisa!

I heard a voice behind me approaching.

— Hey?

— I didn't know you were good at physical activities, you were better than me!

I definitely didn't end up in a good position, but that's okay.

— Oh, thanks.

— I was in eighth place, one before you!

I didn't know what to answer. The one talking to me is Saiko, one of the popular girls in the class. I still have a lot of difficulty talking to people, especially strangers.

— I always wanted to talk to you! Long before you woke up in this body!

— Oh, I'm here.

I was shaking.

— Let's talk more another time! - Saiko said this and left the room.

What had happened here?

Anyway, I changed and left the room and went straight to the terrace to reflect a little.

I made a point of notifying anyone that I was going to the terrace. It was lunch time.

I got there and sat down against the railing.

— How complicated...

Why was I feeling such complicated feelings? Feeling left out , why was I caring? I didn't care about life, so why was I caring about this? It frustrates me, it makes me angry. I don't like this feeling, it's a negative feeling. And I don't usually feel feelings, whether negative or positive. I know this may sound like I might be stupid or very cold or dark. But that's not my intention, I'm someone who doesn't see colors in life, at least not yet. I want to feel colors, but was I trying so hard? I feel like I'm not trying hard enough for this, I feel like I'm useless, that I'm weak, that I won't be able to achieve my goals. But wait, did I have goals? No, I didn't have goals. For a long time I stopped seeing goals in life and just started living automatically. I want to feel like I'm trying hard, I want to feel like I can live in peace, live happily, being happy, having happiness and love in life. I want to feel the colors of life, I want to be happy, I want to see love in life. But I don't feel it, I almost never smile. It's okay that I started to smile, but there are few times and they are specific situations. I need a light in my life, but I don't have it. I need a light. Or do I not need it? Can I live without a light? Many feelings are in my mind and body and I don't know how to organize them. I think I'm going to explode. If I keep this up any longer, I'm really going to explode. I can't keep all this to myself, I need to tell someone. But who? No one is forced to listen to me, especially silly things like my thoughts. I can be too negative, but I've never cared how I feel and I don't even feel like people can care about me, I've never felt a sense of comfort, of feeling good with another person. Never ever. I've always been a very lonely person who never had support from other people, at least I never felt their support, even if they tried to give me support, I just didn't feel it. I don't know if I'm selfish because of this, but I don't want to be selfish anymore, not anymore. I want to feel feelings.

I was totally in limbo, at rock bottom, lost in my thoughts.

I do not know what to do.