"ready?"

pt. twelve

; chapter energy ;
structure | odd sweetheart
blondie | current joys

eddie froze, suddenly realizing what he had just revealed. he suddenly felt his breathing quicken, he could feel his heart beat faster, his mouth felt dry as a desert, and suddenly he could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

he tried to blink them away, hiding his face from richie, who was still processing what he'd just heard. he was blankly staring at the distressed wooden floor- his mind racing, his hands clammy, and suddenly very aware of how chapped his lips were.

finally, richie looked over to eddie, who was facing away from him with his face in his hands. his heart began to ache as he saw this and his legs forced him upward. richie walked over and knelt next to eddie, putting his hand on his shoulder.

"hey man," richie said softly,"you alright?"

eddie wiped his eyes and looked at richie, feeling as if his lungs might collapse in on themselves. then, his vision went blurry again and soon he felt arms around him.

"you're alright ed's," richie tried to calm him,"it's alright, really."

eddie clasped his arms around richie and leaned his head into richie's shoulder. shortly after, the faucets in his eyes seemed to run dry and he sniffed, reluctantly letting go of richie.

"im sorry rich i don't know what happened," eddie said, wiping his eyes once again,"i just don't know what's going on with me lately."

"i've been feeling the same way eddie," richie said reassuringly,"no need to apologize, trust me."

"sometimes i just feel like i'm going crazy," eddie continued,"other times i think it's just derry, but most of the time i just feel so afraid."

"of what?" richie questioned further, still resting his hand next to eddie on the arm of the wooden chair.

"of my own thoughts?" eddie responded, eyes red and puffy "of what other people would think if they knew what i thought about."

"well shit ed's, can't be any worse than what i think about i can assure you that," richie said, with a deep sigh.

"don't c-call me that rich," eddie looked away again,"and i can absolutely assure you it is."

"try me," richie sat up, and tried to make eye contact with eddie once more.

"i can't say it out loud richie," eddie's breathing was shaky and uneven as he said this,"i can hardly even say it to myself."

richie exhaled and tried to think about what he could possibly mean. then, suddenly his mind went back to the night before when bev had left his room.

"(oh be honest with yourself now richie)"

"goddamnit i hate this, what the fuck is happening to me"

he could feel that choking sound in the back of eddie's throat as he spoke. realizing, it was the same way he got choked up when he tried to just think about those thoughts he'd had last night.

it felt as if he were choking on the words themselves. as if his throat were closing in on itself. he swallowed and tried his best not to think of this as he spoke.

"you know, i was playing street fighter that summer with that kid connor- henry's little cousin," richie started to say.

"what the hell are you talking about rich," eddie said turning to face him.

"just listen, ok?" richie sat down in front of the chair and continued explaining,"i was playing street fight with this kid, a-and i'd beaten him for like the third time. he's getting ready to head off but i just decide it can't hurt to ask- and i say 'wanna go again?'. he turns around and it looks like he's about to say 'sure why not' or 'im alright man' but instead bowers walks in and suddenly his whole demeanor changes."

eddie was listening intently now, curious to see where all of this is going and what in god's name richie was trying to say.

"he turns to me and says 'im not your fucking boyfriend'," richie continues, that choking feeling creeping it's way in now,"i tried to explain but henry just called me a faggot and told me to get the fuck out. i know he does shit like that constantly, but i never forgot that feeling. th-that feeling of just wanting more than anything to just disappear. everyone's eyes just following me, feeling their stares no matter where i went."

eddie's eyes were wide open now and staring at richie with such heartache. he remembered that summer and the hell that henry had put all of them through, richie had never told him this story though. maybe not any of the losers from the sound of it. so why tell him?

"you don't have to say it out loud ed's," richie said- he lifted his glasses and wiped his right eye with the palm of his hand,"but if you think you're crazy, then i might as well be clinically fucking insane."

two tears travelled down each of richie's cheeks now, and he didn't bother trying to wipe them away. he looked up at eddie and saw that he was already staring right at him. this time though- it didn't feel like pins and needles, he didn't feel like running or hiding. he felt safe.

"you're not insane rich," eddie smiled weakly.

"deranged maybe?" richie smiled back, wiping the tears away finally,"disturbed, unhinged, cracked? whatever you wanna call it doctor k."

"sure psycho," eddie laughed and shook his head,"well i hate to leave things like this but we should probably get going. it'll be dark in about an hour now that it's almost winter."

eddie stood up and held his hand out. richie smiled and grabbed it and eddie pulled him back up onto his feet. he pulled his damp socks and shoes back on reluctantly and they made their way back to their bikes.

xxx

they arrived at eddie's house just as the sun was setting. eddie walked his bike up to the garage and then came back out to the front yard to say goodbye to richie.

"goodnight rich," eddie smiled and waved to him.

"night ed's," richie saluted,"you need anything, all you gotta do is call."

eddie nodded and then walked inside, shutting the door and leaning his back against it for a minute before heading into the living room.

"eddie is that you?" sonya called from her armchair.

"yes ma, im sorry im late," he said with a sigh.

"mhm," she said shortly,"i got that medication today, you'll start taking it monday."

"ok," he replied, exhaling deeply.

"it's for your own good eddie bear," she said, glancing up at him,"now, it's getting late, go get some sleep."

he went and kissed her on the cheek and then headed up to his room. normally he would come home read a comic and go to bed. tonight however, he closed the door to his room and shrunk down onto the floor.

he wept until the moonlight lit up his entire room and then he wept some more. unsure of why exactly. though he knew, somewhere deep down, that it was necessary. if he had not cried the way he did, choking, sputtering, and wheezing- he feared he may explode.

finally he stood up and started to collect himself. he took off his jacket- wait, not his jacket, richie's. shit he forgot to give it back. oh well. he hung it up on the back of his door and smiled at it fondly.

when he crawled into bed that night, he thought of that day and replayed it over and over until his mind was exhausted. as he drifted off he thought only of one thing, one person.

richie "trashmouth" tozier