Maria Undone

Chapter 6 (Maria)

Malley's was quiet tonight, thank goodness. I wasn't in the mood for a loud band and having to maneuver my way between drunk dancing folks.
The girls walked straight to the large booth in the back corner - their usual drinking spot - and all piled in. They were clearly comfortable enough with each other to bump shoulders and practically sit on each other's laps. I chose to wait before sitting at the end, facing the bar; my body turned outward to avoid touching Rachel, who was beside me. It was also handy if I needed to make a hasty Irish exit.

I felt like an interloper as I sat awkwardly perched in my seat. I tried to concentrate on the buzz of comfortable, excitable chatter around me, but I got lost in their conversation. Hoping to break the ice with a few of the girls I knew were still a tad wary of me, I offered to buy a round of drinks and fries for the table.

There were seven of us out - Linda, Rachel, Charli, Vivi, Toni, Gail and myself. Toni and Gail didn't work Fridays but still liked joining the girls for drinks. They were clearly used to socializing together and wasted no time launching into the latest gossip and catching up on each other's personal lives. I had no choice but to quietly listen in.

Rachel was in a long-distance relationship with someone in Denver and was considering moving there within the following year. I made a mental note that I would probably need to replace her if that was the case. Linda and her husband were saving for IVF. I tuned out when she started going into details about her fertility cycle. Charli had just come out of a long-term relationship and was dipping her toe into the dating pool. She asked me for advice, and I almost snorted my drink out. She'd have better luck asking a nun. Vivi, Toni, and Gail were happily online dating and were attempting to talk Charli into signing up. I had done Tinder for a week before I realized that most of my matches were dudes I had already fucked. Commitment-phobes, despite what lies they had carefully curated on their profile. Or maybe they just weren't interested in a relationship with me.

The conversation thankfully shifted topics without the girls badgering me about my personal life. They spoke briefly about work and chatted about their clients that day. I didn't mind them confiding with each other in private about the various personalities we served in our chairs, but I was very clear that in a public setting, we had to treat our customers with respect and discretion.

Working a service job was physically and emotionally draining at times. Certain clients treated us as their personal therapists and confided in us - and the rest of the floor - with some truly heavy shit. Since we were basically kept hostage for sometimes upwards of ninety minutes, we had no choice but to listen as they trauma-dumped whether we wanted to hear it or not.

Thankfully, my girls kept things impersonal when discussing their clientele and, by the sounds of it, had built a great rapport with their usual clients. It made my chest swirl with pride and a little protectiveness that they were happy at my salon.

For the first forty minutes that we were there, I sat quietly and just listened to their loud chatter. Some of it bored me after a while, so I let my eyes wander around the familiar decor of Malley's. The last time I had been here was the night I had met up with Logan. As humiliated and degraded as I had felt in the aftermath of my last encounter with him, a part of me was glad it had happened. I had finally hit rock bottom, and the only way out was up. 

I knew by now that I equated sex with love. A habit that started young and followed me well into adulthood. I always thought that if I gave myself sexually and succumbed to a man's every whim, then they would eventually fall in love with me. I had no idea how to break a habit that had been ingrained in me from a young age, but I seemed to be doing well, keeping away from my usual vices—namely, men. 
I did briefly look into therapy, but I wasn't sure it was right for me. The thought of making myself vulnerable and confiding my issues with a stranger didn't quite sit right with me. I had already self-realized my problem, so I was already on the right path. Sure, I got slightly off-center with that asshole, Brian, but I was confident that I was back on track.