His Plastic Doll

1

For Conan, the doorbell of his­ apartment is a force of evil. Sa tuwing idinedeklara niya kasing naka-move on na siya, bigla-bigla itong tutunog na para bang tine-testing siya nito kung aasa na naman ba siyang si Jestoni iyon o hindi. It happened three times in a row; and each time he willed it to be Jestoni, the taste of dejection always comes in the corner. Kumakatok at tila nagpapaalalang ilusyon lang kung mangyayari iyon.

"Looking for me?"

Jestoni would once again reign on his mind. Flashing his charming half smile, giving him a bittersweet recollection—klase ng ngiting hindi kailanman pumalyang hulihin ang puso niya. Those kinds of instances were somewhat giving him a clear conviction na nananatili pa rin ang mga alaala ni Jestoni sa bawat sulok ng kanyang apartment.

'E, ano pa nga ba'ng aasahan ko?'

To break the record, the "moving on progress" that he thought was successful has gone back to square one.

Dalawang buwan na rin mula nang hindi na magpakita sa kanya si Jestoni. Dalawang buwan. Hindi siya makapaniwalang kaytagal na rin pala. Pakiramdam kasi niya ay parang kahapon lang mula nang huli niya itong mayakap. Tandang-tanda niya pa kung ano'ng pakiramdam ng mahaplos ang mukha nito, ang boses nitong kaysarap pakinggan, ang magising nang katabi ito at mahuli ang mga matang nakatitig na pala sa kanya—nakangiti; at waring iniisip sa sariling kaysuwerte nitong makilala siya.

Parang kailan lang mula nang masabi niya sa sariling mukhang wala na siyang kailangang ihiling pa, na sa wakas, sa kabila ng pagtatakwil sa kanya ng kanyang mga magulang, sa kabila ng sakit ng unang pag-ibig, may tao rin palang papawi ng lahat ng mga pagkukulang na iyon. Hindi naman niya lubos akalaing kakainin niya pala nang ganoon kabilis ang kanyang mga salita.

Dalawang buwan.

'But for sure, may iba na, 'di ba? Mayroon nang iba.'

Pero kahit na ganoon ay heto pa rin si Conan, parang timang na umaasa pa rin. Nagbabakasakaling patutunugin muli ni Jestoni ang kanyang doorbell, at sa pagbukas niya'y sisilay ang seryoso-ngunit-sa-kanya-lamang-ngumingiting uri ng mga mata.

Conan was convinced that the final straw had been the moment after their sex. When Jestoni whispered the three sacred words without any hint of pretense; and him being dumbstruck from that unforseen turning of event. To the point that Conan couldn't find the courage to say those words back to him.

But how could he? When the man who proclaimed his love couldn't even allow himself to be seen with him? Ni wala ngang ibang taong nakakaalam na may "sila" noon! Maliban na lang sa pinsan nito at kay Ella, ang isa sa mga close friend niya, ay wala nang iba. Silang apat lang. Was that I love you even sincere kung ganoon? Or did Conan just want it to hear that way?

He didn't know. He'll never know.

The doorbell of his unit rang again. It was early Monday morning, June 5, 2017. First day of being a third year college student. Conan was already up and leaning against the bedside wall but was debating with his inner self whether he should get to the door or not.

To keep on ignoring it would make him look desperate in moving on; to open it right away would only show he's helplessly not over him. Klarong-klaro niyang naririnig ang boses ni Ella kung nakikita lamang siya nito, "Baks, ano, desperada lang?"

Just like before, Conan was defeated in the argument over himself. Inis siyang tumayo sa kama, dama ang pinagsamang inis at pagkasabik sa katawan. Subalit, gaano man niya ka-miss si Jestoni ay hindi niya mahawakan agad ang doorknob. Ang tanging nagawa niya lang ay titigan ito nang pagkatagal-tagal.

'Please . . . Just for once, I want to see your smile again.'

He raised his hands to shield his eyes from the daylight. He was expecting a shadow of his short spiky hair. Even just a single glimpse of his tight black shirt na lagi nitong suot para i-flaunt ang maskulado nitong pangangatawan. Pero wala. Not even a whiff of his smell, or the scent of cinnamon rolls na madalas niyang dalhin bilang regalo. Not even a small hint na bumisita siya. Wala. He still doesn't care.

What a shame.

Conan was right all along. His doorbell was a menace.