His Plastic Doll

7

"The problem here is that people only tend to think it's all about experimental sex. Unholy. They can't seem to see it as two individuals with strong emotional connections, two souls loving each other."

Hindi nawala sa isip ni Ryle ang mga sinabi ni Conan noong recitation nila sa Sociology. Hindi rin naman iyon ang unang beses na humanga siya rito, maraming beses na, at sa dami ay halos hindi na niya mabilang. Ryle can't deny the fact that Conan has his own qualities that would make him the center of attention, kahit hindi naman nito iyon intensiyon. For him, Conan has a light aura na awkward lamang sa umpisa, ngunit sobrang comforting na kapag nakasanayan. Bukod pa roon, his way of relating his own experiences to life at kung paano nito iyon ibinabahagi sa iba upang magsilbing aral ay talaga namang kamangha-mangha.

Kinuha ni Ryle ang cellphone sa gilid ng kanyang higaan at binuksan ang kanyang Facebook app. Ryle believed this was the first time he had scrolled too far down in Conan's timeline. There's nothing much, except Conan seemed to have a thing about sharing memes, especially about the anime Haikyuu! which Ryle assumed might be the reason why Conan always watches their volleyball practices. There were even some photos of his own papercrafts, mostly of mini medieval-city houses. He recognized the designs. Those were from the game he had uninstalled on his phone years ago: Townsmen.

"The sex . . . was painful; lalo na kapag first time."

Alas-diyes na ng gabi at nasa sariling kuwarto na si Ryle. Madalas, sa mga ganitong oras ay naghahanap na siya ng makaka-chat na babae o kaya'y makakalaro ng Dota 2, pero hindi niya maitigil ang pang-i-stalk sa kaibigan.

It's not like this was the first time he got to know him. They've been friends since first year college. They talk about school, discuss theories on what happens next in Game of Thrones, and help each other with their assignments. But ever since Conan opened up about his same-sex relationship experience, it felt like Ryle grew even closer to him. Somehow, he felt the need to share something personal too.

But what secrets were safe to tell? When all of his secrets felt inappropriate? He thought about telling him of his desire to show his skin and be praised for it. But what would that imply? Na nagmamayabang siyang may magandang katawan? Na gusto niyang akitin ang kaibigan?

He might have a lot of friends, but he knows himself na wala sa mga ito ang nakaaalam ng mga gusto niya sa buhay, ng mga problema at kinatatakutan niya, ng tunay na siya sa likod ng "Mr. Perfect" mask niya. That might be one of his insecurity kay Conan, dahil mabibilang man sa kamay ang mga kaibigan, mayroon naman itong isang Ella na lubos siyang kilala.

Then it hit him. Iyon marahil ang kulang sa pagkatao ni Ryle: isang matapat at totoong kaibigan.

Ryle thought that, maybe, if he has someone to open his problems with, if he has someone to lean on, he wouldn't feel miserable; especially for those times na lugmok na lugmok siya sa problema. Isa man kasing pigurang maaasahan sa eskuwela, siya man din, nahihirapang harapin ang mga dagok na dumarating sa buhay niya.

Ryle's phone vibrated and brought him back to reality. He read the notification, and when he noticed it came from the girl that he visited a week ago, he simply swiped it out and focused instead on checking Conan's profile.

In one tagged photo, Conan could be seen listening intently to Ella with a gentle smile on his face. Habang pinagmamasdan ang candid shot na iyon ay napaisip si Ryle: 'how could someone possibly ghost this precious person?' Whatever the reason might be, for sure it was beyond Ryle's understanding. It was beyond reasonable. Conan has such a raw kindness; sweet and sincere. Bukod nga kay Inesa, si Conan ang pinaka-pure soul na kilala niya.

Ryle cross-examined himself and assessed his own response. With Conan's personality, if Ryle chose to confide his problems with him before, for sure, he wouldn't fall on deaf ears. Pero sa tinagal-tagal, Ryle didn't have the courage to.

He continued scrolling. There's another tagged photo Ryle had found which was dated two years ago. It was from their section's summer outing. Hindi pa sila gaanong close nito, pero mapapansin na medyo malapit ang puwesto nila sa isa't isa sa group photo. Conan was the only one among the boys who still had his shirt on. All of them were soaking wet. This must have been taken after a beach group activity.

Conan was wearing short shorts, giving Ryle a good view of his flawless thighs, slender body, average height, and curved sides. Ryle thought about how fine-looking he is, how disciplined he must have been to have such a flat stomach, how caring he must have been on his hair to achieve such soft brown hair, and his smell—

Smell?

Pero hindi lang iyon ang lubos niyang ipinagtaka. Sa ibaba niya kasi, napansin niyang nakahawak na ang kamay niya sa kanyang pundya. Napabawi agad siya ng kanyang kamay.

"If there's lube, then it will help lessen the pain. But yes, the pain is still there. Lalo na kung . . ."

Hindi niya mawari kung bakit. Humahanga lang naman siya sa ganda ng katawan ng kanyang kaibigan at natitiyak niyang hindi naman iyon sa seksuwal na paraan. Naisip niyang baka gawa lang ito ng kanyang nakasanayan. Mga ganitong oras kasi siya kadalasang nakikipaglaro sa sarili. Malamang ay nagkusa na ang katawan niya dahil kabisado na nito ang gagawin.

'Yes, tama. Ganoon nga, Ryle. Self-time mo na.'

Binitiwan niya ang kanyang cellphone at sinimulan na ang aktuwal niyang paglilibang. Binalikan niya ang alaala ng nakahubad na katawan ni Lydia at tinangkang ituloy sa kanyang imahinasyon ang naudlot nilang romansahan. But as he continued, glimpses of Conan's body kept on flashing in his mind. Ryle had to pause several times, blinking hard just to correct his thoughts.

He thought about Inesa and wondered how he couldn't do the same thing to her. Ni hindi nga niya ito magawang hubaran sa isip niya o pagpantasyahang hawakan ang dibdib niya, pero bakit pagdating kay Conan, mabilis niya lamang nagawa?

It was weird for him, imagining a gay friend in his sick fantasy. He felt like he was betraying him. He tried imagining Lydia again, but the more he jerked his dick, the more Conan's face tried to replace Lydia's.

'Ryle, the fuck? What do you think Inesa would feel about this?'

Pakiramdam niya, kahit wala pa namang romantic string na namamagitan sa kanila ni Inesa, ay mas cheating pa itong matatawag kaysa noong nakikipagkita siya sa ibang babae. At least iyong paggamit niya kay Lydia ay may kaakibat na rason. E, itong kay Conan? Wala naman. Purong silakbo lang ng laman at purong kuryosidad.

Ryle couldn't resist. Not after Conan had just admitted that he was constantly having sex with a boy, even bravely telling them that he could handle a big dick. Somehow, Ryle believed Conan and him had lots of similarities which they should try and talk about. Who knew, maybe they'd become closer even more?

Ryle frantically reached for a tissue on his bedside table. He let out a soft moan as his strength squeezed out of him. After a full course of being weak, he looked at it. Unsure what to feel.

'Geez, Ryle! You just cummed from looking your friend's body! Damn you!'