𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐄 | | j.n

𝟒. 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭

      
                                    one week later

it's been a week since my meltdown on newsted. also it's the last night in california. the boys are going back on tour.

and dragged me along with them. because now we are staying the night in this dingy hotel close to the airport to catch our flight on time.

fun. a tour with newsted.

and to be fair i should feel a little bit like shit. he didn't do anything, he did make an attempt to be friends at first.

and yeah. i do actually feel bad about it. but there's still no way in hell i'm letting him in.

twirling a peace of paper through my hands. it's the apology letter i wrote him. i don't know why. maybe my brother is my guardian angel and he put the idea in my head.

or maybe i just saw james and lars haze him so bad the other day that it wrenched my heart.

"stupid!" i hissed to myself. crumbling the delicate piece of paper in between my fingers and palm and throwing it across the room.

once i heard the quiet thump against the off-yellow popcorn wall, the all familiar lump in my throat came back.

i closed my eyes and threw my head back. praying for the crying to stop. begging to go back to how i used to be.

because i didn't use to be like this. i didn't use to cry so much. because the tears would just be soaked in a dark blue denim jacket.

i guess getting a phone call in the middle of the night because your best friend was crushed under a bus changes that.

gasping, i stood up and paced around the room, running my fingers through the bottom tangles of my hair.

i stopped pacing when i saw a mirror. quickly rubbing the water out of my eyes, as if i was trying to fool even myself.

"your fine." i whispered to myself. hands clutched tight to my chest. dark brown strands of hair sticking to my cheeks as tears i was unaware of fell.

i need to pull myself together.

because i'm on my own now. i always have been.

or at least that's what cliff said. ironically the last night i ever heard his voice.

                                       september

"how've you been piece of shit?" cliff grunted in the black plastic phone.

"don't be mean! but i've been good, just pissed that you left me here in boring california while you go tour in europe!"

cliff scoffed over the phone. "hey sometimes you've gotta be on your own, i won't be there to hold your hand coraline." he said. tapping the metal of his ring against the phone plastic.

i twirled the light pink phone chord around my index finger. "yeah i know. like you say, 'your on your own kid, you always have been.'" i said, trying to deepen my voice to piss him of a little.

"haha very funny, but it's true." he said.

i rolled my eyes. he's always trying to scold me.

"you should get some sleep gumdrop. and i better not hear of any boys crawling through your window!" he warned.

my jaw dropped. "when do i ever sneak boys through my window? let alone let them in the house! i don't really talk to boys other than you and the three pain in the asses, you guys literally forbid it!" i whined. much to cliffs amusement.