People who might want to read this:
GachaEvery
Wattreader7389
P4naginip
Iwearsweats
rosechuck_chuck
After having a talk with RoseTheMagicalFlower and her showing me this video:
I decided to share you guys something that's been bothering me since 2022 and still has some effect on me to this day.
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In 2020, I was given a choice to either die or continue to live. Out of context, it sounds like I was going to commit an unfortuante deed, but it's not as simple as that.
During late March and early April, I was terribly ill with COVID-19. And you know it's bad if I was sick with it, since I hardly ever get sick due to my intense immune system. And when it struck me, I was confined to sitting or laying down all day and night.
It was like the flu, but cracked up ten times worse.
I was in extreme physical agony, sitting up straight and walking felt like I was being poked by needles in the bones and I was heated; like my body was swelting hot yet so sensitive to cold temperatures.
I was given medicine, but it hardly helped because I kept puking it out. I couldn't eat and I could hardly sleep and drink water. My family was worried about me, because I was always seen like the tough guy when it came to being sick.
Like, I get a cold one day and then the next day I'm better than ever. I always bounced back from whatever illness or injury I get, so they didn't worry at first. But when this stuck to me for over three days, they were in crisis mode.
It didn't help that I accidentally sliced open my right foot in the most humiliating way possible, which probably slowed down my recovery. And everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse for me.
Until one night, I was crying on the couch in my bedroom from the sheer amount of pain I was in and the fact I was only getting more sick. And my mental health wasn't fine at all, because I was terrified about getting COVID since the death-toll in 2020 seemed to increase by the hour and I kept thinking that I was next in line.
And in case you didn't see my post from last year in August, I'm scared of dying.
But back then, I was different. Because I had wanted to pass away back then. Prior to 2022, I viewed myself as nothing but a waste of food, oxygen and space and that everyone would be better off without me. Still to this day, I think of myself like this; but not as severe as it was then.
Because something about me that you may or may not know of is that I never forget mistakes I made. Which may sound impossible, but it's true.
I remember being yelled at by a principal when I was in kindergarten during my first day of school.
I remember being told that my actions and decisions are the reason why my family is never happy.
I remember saying things to my family when I shouldn't, like calling someone fat or saying they sounded like a man (or like a woman).
I remember offending people both in person and online when I tell them what I really think about something with no filter or consideration.
It's just baffling that I can recollect more bad memories than good ones. And how I always say, "I wish I could start over again in life, so I wouldn't make the same mistakes I did before."
