"I Will Smile Right Through it and I'll Scream when No One's Around."

you were supposed to be first.

(after Lizzie's death except i make that session end there, things are inaccurate to sessions after that. Tw for suicidal tendencies, blood, death, etc.)

Jimmy had never wanted to die.

He was always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy and nothing really hurt him. Sure, his friends would tease him but they always came back to apologize with hugs. He felt loved by all of them.

So, why did he feel the urge to jump from Baxter and miss the dog bowl?

He stared down at the sand below him, a firm frown overtaking his features. His eyes were rimmed with bags from sleepless nights. It got worse as the days pass.

"How you feeling?" Martyn asked, sitting next to him quietly. The other big dog had a look of concern on his face as he handed a bowl of soup to him.

Jimmy shrugged. He told Martyn immediately when the thoughts started taking over so long as the rest of the server doesn't know. He trusts Martyn.

"How about you try to sleep, yeah? You still are pretty tired. I'll keep people away for a bit."

Jimmy sighed, putting the bowl down and resting his head in his hands, elbows firmly planted on his knees.

"Martyn..." he paused for a second, "what if I just... do it. Like, now."

Martyn's face went pale, immediately holding onto his friend. His grip was tight, choking. "What are you on about?" There was no hint of a joke. It was odd to Jimmy to see him like this.

"I've just never had anything like this before... it's terrifying." His voice shook as he buried his head into the shoulder right next to him.

"I know, I know," Martyn shushed, taking a deep breath in realization that Jimmy wasn't going to commit in that moment. "We need to tell your brother."

Jimmy's eyes widened but he didn't push away. "We can't Grian, he would flip out!"

"In worry, yeah." Martyn eased slightly. They couldn't tell Lizzie, she was already six feet under, Joel mourning her death. "Do you think your suicidal thoughts stem from Lizzie's death?"

Jimmy flinched. "Don't call them that, please. And no, I don't think so. It's a death game. You have to get used to other people's deaths. I know I will see her in the outside. I'm not stupid."

'Like everyone views you.' A voice whispered in his mind. It screamed about ending his life and about everyone hating him. He hated how it told him that Martyn didn't care. He obiviously did, right?

"Yeah but you won't if we don't get these thoughts sorted. We need to tell people."

'You are just bothering them.'

Jimmy shook his head. "No, we can't."

"Why not? Give me a good reason." Martyn argued, countering the statement.

But Jimmy couldn't.

Martyn sighed, rubbing his eyes. He stood up slowly, pulling Jimmy up as well. "Come on, we need to find Grian."

----------

Grian looked surprised to see the big dogs out of session but he greeted them all the same.

"So, what has been going on? I haven't seen much of you boys around."

Martyn squeezed Jimmy's hand gently, something the admin took into account. "Tell him," Martyn said gently.

Grian's brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what was going on. It could be similar to when Jimmy and Scott had plead for a fake marriage that lasted season one in Third Life. Or it could be like Jimmy actually admitting his feelings about Tango behind closed doors to his older brother, asking for advice.