Love through time

The Blue

The blue- feelings of intense sadness, or depression.

Zarah didn't know where to begin, or how to tell Jamil they couldn't see again because her worst nightmare had emanated. Her heart ached just from the thought of this. She couldn't tell him, so she just avoided him. His messages were left unreplied

'Hey, you haven't returned my call or replied to my messages, are you fine?'

'I know you are back, whatever it is, can we talk about it?'

'I came by your place, and your housemates said you were not available, what does that even mean?'

' I came by your class and you were not there, are you missing classes? What is it, Zarah? This is driving me crazy"

Zarah had avoided Jamil's calls, and messages and refused to see him. She did not know for how long but every second of this was excruciating. She had devised a means of leaving the house at dawn so when he came looking for her, she was out. She avoided going out of class the usual way.
Her phone was permanently in silence mode. Zarah was not picking up anybody's calls, she missed some calls from a Nigerian number and her gut told her it was Umar DanMaliki.
The worst is for her family, it didn't matter whether she had contacted with Umar or not when it was time, they would conduct the wedding regardless.
Zarah had returned the emerald jewellery via mail to Jamil's address. It reminded her of him and she thought it was the decent thing to do.

On the fifth day of her return,  Zarah came back to her place after Isha. She had devised a plan to pray in the little corner of the library, where she spent all day. Then she saw the Range Rover packed in front of her place, she knew she had to face him. When Jamil came out, she expected him to be angry, but he looked more concerned than angry. He was holding the jewellery box she had returned.

' If this is about the jewellery, I'm sorry I gave you a piece of jewellery I thought you might like, but you have much more than that of mine with you Zarah, you have my heart.'
He looked visibly frustrated now.
Zarah shook her head, as tears built up in her eyes.

' What is it then, Did I do something wrong?' He asked calmly. With every sentence he spoke, together with his calmness shattered Zarah the more.

' Why have you been deliberately avoiding me? Don't I deserve an explanation?
when she didn't respond, he continued
'Come on Zarah dare to blow me off to my face'
Zarah tried to avoid eye contact with him

'I'm sorry,'  she finally said
' My future is uncertain. So many things are blurring up my head. and I have to clear this alone. I'm sorry if I'm...'
' Zarah are you sick or something' Jamil cut her off her explanation.
' you don't have to do this alone, you know that,...I'm here for you.' Jamil said searching for her face.

' No Jamil I'm not sick, but not even a good friend like you can't help my situation "
Jamil took a step back and looked at Zarah with a puzzled look.

'Friend? That's what you see me as?' ' You're joking right?' he said with annoyance this time

' Can't we just leave it at that' Zarah said
She could see the building up of emotions on his face.
'You don't get it, do you?... I'm in love with you. I have never felt this way, never have I been this certain. You don't expect me to pretend not to have these feelings and be your friend.'

Zarah couldn't say anything. She had buildup tears in her eyes and was truly trying to keep them from falling

'You don't think I deserve a reply? I just told you I love you for the second time
Jamil looked visibly frustrated disappointed and broken.

'What are you afraid of? Hurting me,? I'm hurting at this moment Zarah.'

' I'm just following the rules" she said between trembling lips

' what rules' he asked
'Love doesn't always follow the rules. Love is messy, but you said you were here. Then be here Zarah. Be here.'
He put his hand on his chest where his heart was.
Zarah's tears rolled down her rosy cheeks. Jamil's jaw tightened. He wiped his face and head out of frustration. He hated to be having this argument with her. He hated that he couldn't reach out and wipe her tears. He hated that she was not talking to him and pushing him away.

'You choose not to see or care, so I'm choosing to walk away. As much as I want us, we can only exist if both of us are ready. I respect that you are not, but I can't hang around any more.'
Jamil said.

'Some of us don't have the luxury of choosing Jamil'
Zarah said wiping her eyes with both hands. 

Jamil dropped the jewellery box on the short fence of Zarah's apartment and walked away. He saw the hurt in her eyes but she had made her stand clear to him. His love was unreturned and unacknowledged.

Watching Jamil walk away tore her. She wanted to run and hug him from behind and tell him she loved him as much, but she couldn't. She knew it wouldn't be easy. The feeling of guilt enveloped her and she busted into a sob.  She picked up the box and held it to her heart. Nothing felt good and perhaps nothing was ever going to feel good again.