No matter where I am, everything reminds me of you. Its not exactly the nicest thing to admit when it happens, but I miss everything you did to me
When I shut my eyes, I see the way you used to be. Even still it's in the things I interact with; Every object morphing into you.
I need you to know that im still raw, that the bones that you left behind from the corpse of what we had have not yet been buried. That i feel more broken everyday when i realize what went missing. Something is severely wrong with this life now.
And i know it to be true that i am the culprit, the scoundrel in the shadows, the reason for my unhappiness. I am the one in the wrong
So then if thats the case, why do i feel so shocked? Why do i feel upset? Betrayed?
Why do I feel at all to begin with?
If it never mattered how I felt.
We know that if it was meant to last then it would've, and that we could've lasted through that hard parts, and seen it blossom. But clearly I could never let it, because i screw it up every time.
I will say I miss you, not to your face, but maybe when im alone. I'll say it and then proceed to kick myself, when i see it was my fault.
You are gone now, and its not enough to scare me. It's just enough to leave me stranded. Stuck between forgiveness for and loathing of myself. Because how else can I deal with it other than making it all about me?
I cant keep lying to myself!
Why am i trying to hard to?!
I want you
God, I want your hand in mine again
And I want your breath on my neck
And believe me, I need it
And I have needed love, since the beginning.
You gave it so well and I accepted it fully.
But now I want to be bathed in you
Have everything again
And I know I never will
Because you are gone
Lost to me
I made sure of it
This is something i can never say to your face.
And i never what you to read it as long as you live so that you keep this thought in your head that i am strong. I never have been but you seem to think that i am. I was broken when you met me and im broken still. I don't know what shattered me, but this certainly did to put into words.
(Happy 20th publishing)
