Submerged

Chapter 8

Alessia

"I can't do this. I can't do this." The repeated whisper is barely audible and just keeps tumbling out of my mouth involuntarily as I blink at my reflection in the mirror.

The woman staring back at me looks terrified. The dark brown eyeshadow the makeup artist applied in the outer corners of my eyes in addition to the false lashes make the amber orbs appear larger than usual, giving you wide open access to the terror shimmering there. Part of my hair is pulled back by a beautiful barrette that has been passed down through my family for generations and the rest hangs in dark curls down my back.

My makeup artist and my hairstylist did an amazing job but unfortunately it doesn't hide the fear I can feel consuming me from the inside out.

My hands tremble, my body undecided whether it wants to be in flight or fight mode as I'm buttoned into my wedding dress. The bodice feels as if it's only seconds away from suffocating me and I question if the measurements are right or if all those late night baking sessions I've been doing are catching up to me.

Or maybe the dress is fine and my body is the same as it was a week ago and really the restricting feeling in my chest is from a guilty conscience.

Last night I did something I shouldn't have.

After the moment I had with Dante we made our way back inside the building to the dinning hall where dinner had begun. We took our seats and talked while we ate as if we hadn't just shared an amazing moment outside. He's so easy to talk to, it's like he knows the right things to say to get me to relax and it always works. I knew various members of my family were staring at me but for once I didn't care, I didn't hold back just because they were there. After that spectacular kiss we shared amongst the grape vines I couldn't deny the feelings that I had started developing for him, I didn't want to. I felt happy and lighter than I had in a while, part of me didn't want to leave.

Dante walked me to the SUV I'd ridden there in and I knew by the look in his eyes that he wanted to kiss me but he didn't. Instead he told me to sleep well and that he would see me at our ceremony. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face or force the giddy feeling he gave me from my body, nothing could dampen my mood.

Or so I thought.

As soon as the SUV was loaded and the doors closed Mamma proved me wrong by ranting about the things I had done to ruin the evening. The further we got from the winery and Dante the more panic and a heavy sense of overwhelming fear set in.

I was supposed to go straight to my room, shower and get in bed per Lorenzo and Mamma's orders, and I did those things. I really did.

The longer I laid in my bed the closer I felt to having a panic attack. I could barely breathe and things sort of just... happened. I was in one of the worst head spaces I've probably ever been in and I made a decision I shouldn't have. I'm terrified I wasn't stealthy enough, worried everyone knows and I'm only seconds away from my downfall.

"Why are you sweating so much?" Mamma huffs, dabbing a handkerchief across my forehead where sweat beads.

"It's hot in here."I fan myself. "Is the Air conditioning even working?"

The question is met with a look of confusion. "It's not even warm enough for it to kick on, Alessia. Are you okay?"

No. No, I'm not okay. I did something I regret and I'm terrified I'm going to be found out. I'm scared of how Lorenzo will react and... well I'm also worried about what Dante will do when he finds out. Although this is arranged and we aren't in love I can't help but feel like I betrayed him when he's only ever shown me nothing but kindness.