Casters Book Three: Cosmic Caster

Chapter 18

I stare at the book, all the words blurring together. After Vega left and Dariyah finished her shower Dariyah and I hung out for a bit, she was telling me about the spells she's been working on. Then we had dinner with everyone. She went back to her room after that.

I can't stop thinking about what Vega said and how I treated her today.

Am I a bitch?

My finger mindlessly picks at the corner of the book cover, fraying the edge.

Of all the things I could be thinking about, healing Cyrene, finding out how I made that light sword, Gideon, my mind chooses to fixate on Vega. It's like a curse or something. When she's with me I wish she wasn't. When she's gone she's all I can think about.

I reach for the necklace around my neck and rub it, it's warm. It's been lit up pretty much all day. I haven't gotten around to taking it off. I don't know if I want to. I think when I do... when I officially don't care if she's thinking about me or not, it becomes permanent. She and I would be over for good.

Is that what I want?

What about Dariyah?

She would be crushed if I got back with Vega.

She'd hate me forever.

I wouldn't blame her.

Maybe I truly am one of the worst people to walk the earth.

I can't help but wonder if Dariyah hadn't kissed me, would I have ever broken up with Vega? I think the answer is obvious, no. Because before our lips touched I was sure I was madly in love with Vega. But after... now I'm not so sure of anything. I don't feel like that when I kiss Vega. I don't feel all gushy and warm and loved. I don't feel like the one and only when I'm with Vega. I feel like I am always competing with the ghost of her past girlfriends. Trying to do everything I can to one-up them, to make myself stand out in the lineup.

Is it my fault Vega and I don't work?

You don't have to be a bitch... the way she said it. So hurt, so wounded. Have I been being a bitch to her? I didn't notice. I mean it's not like we broke up over something big and bad. I don't have to treat her like shit for no reason. She didn't do anything wrong. I did.

I flinch when the door to my room creaks open.

I turn to see Vega poke her head in.

She sighs, "I thought you'd be asleep by now," She says.

I turn to look at the time.

Nearly two in the morning. I didn't even notice.

I shake my head and close my book.

"Lost track of time," I say.

"Oh... I was kind of hoping you were dreaming of me," she rubs her necklace.

"I... I'm sorry for being mean earlier," I avoid looking at her.

"I'm sorry I keep popping up unannounced. I just... I kind of got used to having you around. I'm kind of losing my mind not having you by my side all the time. I think I'm going through Emery withdrawal," She says to joke, but I can see the pain in her eyes, the truth in her words.

She walks in and shuts the door softly behind her before sitting next to me on the bed.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I say.

She takes in a shaky breath, already on the verge of tears.

"I'm just confused and conflicted. I don't know what I want right now. I thought I did, but... the more I think about it, the more confused I get," I bring my knees to my chest.

"We can go back to being just friends if you want. But I at least need friends, I can't deal with never seeing you again. Not when I'm this attached," She says.

"What about what I did? I cheated on you, aren't you mad at me?" I turn to look at her.

"Furious actually. But I don't want to lose you. I went and did some inner soul searchy stuff and was wondering if maybe I changed, if you'd give me another chance. I keep doing the relationship my way, but as I've learned your way can be just as fulfilling to me. If you cheated on me because you get something else from that person that you don't get from me I can change Emery. I can try harder, be better," She pleads.

"If you found out who I cheated with you'd hate me," I turn away from her again.

"I can never hate you. Ever. I love you."

I let those words hang in the air for a moment, debating if I should tell her the truth. But it's not just my truth to tell. Dariyah has more to lose than me. So I'll keep it a secret until I talk to her.

"I'm overwhelmed, I'm confused. I can't do this right now Vega," I whimper as my own eyes water.

"Let me help ease your burden. I'm sorry I wrote off your feelings before. I didn't mean to. I can be better. I can help you. You and I belong together Emery and you know it. I'm always going to be drawn to you. You can fight this all you want but in the end, It's always going to be us."

"I hear you. I do. And I would be lying if I said I didn't want you to hold me right now and kiss me and make it all better. But I can't promise myself to you, not when I know there is a chance I'll go and kiss that person again. I have feelings for them. Confusing, conflicting, contradicting feelings. These feelings came out of nowhere and now they won't go away and I just... don't want to put you through that when you deserve better," I take off my promise ring and hand it to her.

Tears drip off her face as she looks at me.

"I'm sorry," I look down in shame.

She shakes her head no before leaning in and kissing me.

I close my eyes and kiss her back, hard, passionately. She pushes me down on the bed and gets on top of me. That's when I push her away. We take a moment to collect ourselves.

"No Vega," I push her off.

"Who, who did this, who stole you from me? Tell me," she begs.

"I can't," I sob.

"Tell me."

I shake my head no.

"Tell me!" she demands as more tears fall.

"No! And I think you need to leave now," I say.

She gets up and takes a calming breath.

I wipe my face and turn away from her.

"You're not getting this key back until you tell me. And I'm going to keep coming here every night to plead my case," She says before leaving.

I sigh and lay down in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

What a mess.