War Dog

Chapter 91

Three months later.

I sit in the chair besides Wolf's bed, her hand looking so fragile in my gloved hand. My mask sits beside her on the bed. 

"It's strange you know," my voice is soft. The voice I'd seemed to have reserved for her. She was the only one who seemed to know how to draw the softest parts of me to the surface. I placed her hand against my cheek in the way she'd always done when she found me having an attack. Her solid warmth as she bought me out of my memories and back to the present a constant lack over the last three months had been wearing me down. 

"I've only known you for a year, and yet I desperately miss you. Can you please come back to us? To me?" I close my eyes as I let myself hope that she's still in there somewhere. Ben isn't convinced. He feels like it took too long to get her back. Even though the damage was minor, bullets to the head are dangerous. Even if she does come back, there were too many variables.

"How you managed to worm your way so deeply into my heart, I'll never know. But I'm even concerned about your brother. Brothers. I'm sure you're aware... Or maybe you're not? But Bryce is here too. Price flew him out the moment we were able to. I'm sure he blames Price for what happened to you, but I know he blames me. You'd be so mad at me if you could sense how much guilt I have for leaving you. You'd say this is what you signed up for. You were made for war. You'd probably say some bullshit about it being your honour or something." I sniffle, only just now realising I had tears running down my face. The first time I'd allowed any of the emotion to come flowing out in the last three months outside of beating up the boxing bags in the training room. 

"Anyway, Shane has been working relentlessly to find Makarov. Gaz I think is struggling to keep up with him. I'm not sure he's even been sleeping. Bryce has been using every ounce of cyber knowledge he has and has been working closely with Laswell. Laswell likes him. The two of them have been found up late at night working with a cup of coffee in hand. Sometimes even something stronger..." I hesitate, not sure how much else to say, and then decide we had no secrets between us while she was conscious, she should know now while she was unconscious. 

"Johnny concerns me most. I don't know if he's even come to see you since you pushed him out of the way of the bullet. I found him grief stricken... I think I told you yeah? I'll say it again anyway, but he was hunched over your body. Something about the trauma had forced you to shift back and he held you in his lap sobbing. You somehow manage to keep breaking the poor man. Can you stop? Johnny's a good lad, you don't need to break him down so badly he ends up in a psych ward, you sadistic bitch..." I chuckle sadly and swallow down the lump of emotion in my throat, the memory of picking up her limp body even as Johnny resisted letting go. Gaz and Shane had to pry him away so we could get back to exfil and get her to medical assistance as soon as we physically could.

My reverie was broken as I swore I felt a slight twitching in her hand against my scarred cheek. "Darlin'? It's Ghost. Are you there?" I felt like I was trying to speak to spirits through a Ouija board. "Just... Come back, ok? I'll even let you call me Simon if you want. I'll tell you anything you want to know. I know you've always been curious about my scars. I'll tell you everything about them. Though you didn't ever seem interested in why I wore the mask, I'll even tell you why I wear the mask..." I hesitate. "I'll give you that one for free, Darlin'. It's to hide my face."

Nothing, no snort of laughter, no typical eyeroll. I squeezed her fragile hand harder against my face as if I could will some form of life into her. After some time sitting there quietly, I place her hand back by her side. "I don't want to leave, but Ben would kick me out regardless. Frankly, I think he's more of a mess than he lets on. I had to fight him to let Lilly come see you. She misses you desperately. I'm bringing her tomorrow, she wants to bring flowers. I know your favourites were Lilies, right? Lilly is going to be absolutely delights to find out she has the same name as your  favourite flowers. I bet that's instantly why you took to her isn't it? Your own personal Lily you always get to come home to..." I stand up picking up my mask, "I'll be back tomorrow, please wake up."

I leave her and pass Price in the hallway. His guarded expression letting me know he already suspects from my hunched demeanour that there's been no change. Ben has been trying to force me to sleep, get some work done, go beat someone up. 'Self-care' he calls it. Without Wolf by my side, it was all bullshit. My nightmares had become worse. My flash backs had become more frequent. 

I grabbed the keys from the hook in my room, hovering depressed in front of Wolfs room, hand on the door as if I could feel the very essence of her seeping into me before I made my way through to the garage. I slipped my helmet on and hopped onto the bike. Driving recklessly always managed to make me feel better. Yet in the last three months all it did was allow Wolfs voice to invade my mind time and again. I knew she'd be annoyed at me for endangering myself recklessly without her there to at least enjoy the pleasure with me. I decided I'd drive recklessly in her honour, knowing if she was with me she'd be giggling joyfully, or that low bassy growl I'd come to associate as the dog version of purring would be vibrating against my back.

I made it to her house. Our house in record time. It was quiet and I wondered where Soap and Lilly were. I glided into the house, not making a sound. It was late, and yet I had expected Soap to at least be up and making noise. Instead I found Soap and Lilly curled up in Wolfs bed that they'd carried downstairs in front of the TV. Asleep. I noticed a jumper they were both huddled up to and figured that must have belonged to Wolf too. I took out my phone and took a picture of the pair of them. I knew Wolf would love to have such an adorable picture as her background when she woke up. If she woke up, that terrible voice at the back of my heard mumbled distantly. I ignored it.

I looked at the T.V netflix showing the message if they were still watching and if they wanted to continue. I turned the T.V off and made my way into the kitchen. Wolf had designated a delivery service that would drop off groceries for Ben and Lilly on a weekly basis. All the essentials. Anything else they wanted Ben could go buy, but it meant he didn't have to worry about shopping regularly while balancing his work with the hybrids and Lilly.

I opened the nearly full fridge and frowned, finding nothing particularly worth my time. Instead I turned to the pantry and opened it. I hadn't been in the kitchen since coming back from Russia. I usually ate on base before coming here or after leaving. The sight broke my heart. A row of baked beans sat in the pantry. I pulled out a can and cherished the woman who remembered something as small as baked beans on toast being my go to comfort meal. I found the breadbox, almost empty. I toast the bread and heat the beans. I lean over the bench in the kitchen eating baked beans and toast and find that a meal has never tasted better knowing that even unconscious, in hospital she was still looking out for me.