Imagine Playlist

Dirty Thoughts (H.S)

Special thanks again to carterradams for the amazing song choice!

I've always been someone that values their own independence, so it wasn't like being alone was a feeling I was afraid of. In all honesty, it was something I was quite used to. Even if it wasn't my own choice.

The pastor's kid. That was a title that I never asked for, but it was given to me regardless, and it brought an abundance of pressure along with it. There was this unspoken expectation with the position, as if I was supposed to be a 'perfect christian.' Everything I did was watched closely, the tiniest mistakes were found and picked out with a fine-tooth comb. No matter how hard I tried to hide my deepest secrets, they always seemed to come to the surface in the church, and the price I had to pay for this last one, cost me nearly everything I had.

It's crazy how someone can go to church twice a week since they were born, go to bible camp every summer, volunteer for community outreach programs, and even be the drummer of the church's band since they were 12, but the second that my sexuality was revealed, all of that previous work goes to shit.

Now, I've been demoted to sound a media. The job wasn't terribly hard, but it meant that I had to sit up in the attic alone, adjusting the preacher's microphone and clicking through his slides. It was the perfect job to give to someone that the church expected to volunteer, but couldn't afford the general public to see out on display. My face was no longer a face that belonged to the image of god.

Because apparently, all I am is a gay person.

So, now I'm stuck here, watching as the band I had been with for 7 years played our songs without me, and to make matters worse, I was forced to distant myself from our lead singer; the only person that made going to church worth it for me.

Hailee Steinfeld...

She too was a pastors kid, which was something we were able to bond over the last few years. We were always volunteering for the same events, playing in the band together, and while our parents were in meetings, it left us plenty of time to get to know each other.

She was a beautiful person, both inside... and out. But I could never tell her that, especially not now.

My own parents tended to compare me to her quite often, wishing that I dressed more girly and all of that, but their opinions never inferred with my perception of Hailee. Because, in a way, they weren't wrong.

She was perfect.

Her voice was beautiful. The way her eyes fluttered closed while she sang, with the slightest dimple forming between her brows as the passion brewed within her, I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I guess this was the last thing that made going to church tolerable, but as the final song came to an end, I let out a sigh, my eyes following the young woman off the stage until she disappeared into the congregation, leaving me to my only job now.

Turning on the stupid speaker's mic.

It sucked that we couldn't even sit together anymore. We used to write notes to each other on the greeting cards during the sermon, granting her access to occupy my mind even during the most boring moments. I didn't want to think of the possibility that she might be doing that exact thing with someone else, but it was probable. It's not like she liked me or anything. It would be a completely normal thing for her to do with her other friends.