Daddy Issues

25 - Let it pass

'What?'

Mel stares at me with wide eyes, her mouth half open in a silly little 'o' that might have made me laugh if I didn't just confess the worst thing ever to her.

'You can't be in love with Dan,' she says, sounding half-desperate. 'He's your mother's boyfriend.'

'Don't tell me that like I don't know it,' I say, feeling fully desperate. 'It's not like I want to be in love with him.'

'How can you be in love with him?' Mel asks, grabbing her hair in a sign of frustration. 'You never fall in love with anybody. And you've known this guy for what? A week and a half?'

'I know it doesn't make sense.'

I wrap my arms around myself and start to pace through the room, trying to work some of the agitation out of my body.

'And I know it's terrible. It's just... Aside from you, I don't think anybody has ever... has ever cared for me as much as he has in the last week.'

'Oh, honey.'

Mel's face softens as she looks at me. She's the only one who really knows how bad things are between my mother and I. How much it hurts me. And how much it hurt me that my dad left us and never reached out again. I know it's why she's always so forgiving. So understanding.

'You don't know what he's done for me,' I say softly. Then I tell her. About running into Jack. About how I freaked out and he came to find me. How concerned he was. That he took me to the zoo to cheer me up. And I tell her about everything before that too. How easy it is to be around him. How he makes me laugh and how he's always trying to make me food. That it makes me so happy to do the most basic things with him like watching a movie, playing a game or just having dinner. That I can't stop thinking about him.

Mel was very concerned when she heard about Jack too. But I assured her that I'm fine now. And I am, mostly. Dan did that.

When I'm finally done talking, we're on the couch and I feel exhausted to finally have put it all to words. But slightly relieved too.

'I don't know, I've never felt this way about anybody. And, you know, I know he's just trying to bond with me for my mom's sake, and I'm sure it's a long history of personal issues that make me feel this was, but... Ugh, every time I look at him, I just want to hold him tight and never let go.'

'Oh, Emma...' Mel says, watching me with sad eyes. 'Everything you're describing, it would be great if you found a guy that could make you feel that way. It's just... Oh my God, it doesn't make anything any easier, does it?'

'Not really, no. Fuck, I could use a drink,' I mumble.

'I get it,' Mel says. 'He's a great guy. And he's handsome. Whenever he comes into the store, Enid keeps checking him out and thinks I don't notice.'

I snort. The image of old Mrs Willow fawning after Dan makes me laugh even in the midst of my breakdown.

'But, I mean... You can't do anything with it, can you? If your mom found out-'

'Of course I won't do anything with it,' I tell her adamantly. 'Dan can never know. It would make everything weird between us. And my mom... God, she'd just kill me on the spot.'

'But are you okay?' she asks me sincerely. 'How strong are these feelings? Can you just be around him?'

'It's been getting worse and worse,' I admit. 'But it's fine. I can surpress it. I'm happy to just hang out with him. It's just... it's so stupid.'

'What?' she asks worriedly.

'It's just that in 2 days, Mom's coming back. And it's not going to be the same, you know. And I just think that I'll... I'll miss him.'