Daddy Issues

26 - Something to ask you

I spend Thursday in a state of near desperation. With everything going on, figuring out my future plans has been entirely fruitless. I've nothing much to show for it except for some stupid capability test results and useless scribbles.

But Mom's coming back the day after tomorrow. And I wanted to be able to present her some solid ideas about what I want to do with my life to soften the blow about dropping out of med school. It's probably a good thing that Dan isn't here, because now at least, I should be able to focus.

Only I can't focus. I don't know where to begin. I've tried making a list of things that I'm good at, but I couldn't come up with much so it just got me depressed. Then I tried making a list of things I like to do, but I could think of nothing that might lead to any career prospects. Then I just tried to think of what jobs my mom might be somewhat impressed by. Maybe I could be a lawyer? But I hate public speaking. Or like a scientist? I do have a bachelor's degree in biology, so I could probably do something with that. But I only chose it because it was suggested as a good preparation for med school, not because I necessarily found it very interesting.

By the time Dan comes home from dinner, I've had multiple mental breakdowns. I started crying twice. Then I got really angry and just screamed into a pillow before tossing it against the wall. I tried going on some short walks to walk off my frustration, but it didn't help. At some point I decided to call Cassie, hoping she might be able to offer some advice. But then she started telling me about gossip she heard about some of my former classmates and we got completely sidetracked. I told her about some of the drama I've experienced lately as well. Not everything, of course. But I told her about the whole thing with Calvin. Then I looked up his Instagram and saw pictures of him and the girl that hit me in Brazil together. I guess that answers the question of whether he ever told her the truth. Cassie and I were both outraged and it took way too long after that to get myself to focus again.

But when Dan walks through the door, I manage to put on a brave face and act like nothing's the matter. When he asks me what I've been doing I lie and tell him I've been watching television and reading a bit.

When I offer to help him out with dinner, he looks at me like I've lost my mind. But I felt bad that he had to go in to the office today instead of yesterday, forcing him to hurry, because of me. And it's a welcome distraction from my frustrating day anyway.

I don't take him up on his offer to come to band practice with him. I don't feel like I can face those people yet and I decide I should try working on my life plan some more. But by 10 o'clock I've still hardly made any progress and I decide to give up to read a little. So Dan finds me curled up on the couch, deeply engaged in the second Desolate City book when he comes home about an hour later.

'Do you like it?' he asks.

'Wait one moment,' I tell him. He came home at the worst possible time. The main characters are just doing their best to complete this crazy trial they've landed into and my eyes are racing over the page to see what's next.

Dan laughs at my response. Then he walks into the kitchen to grab himself a drink.

'Take your time. Whenever you're ready, I have something to ask you.'

I look up from the book to watch him disappear into the hallway. The book may be thrilling, but it can wait. I'm more interested in Dan, after all.

'What?' I call after him. To my annoyance, he doesn't respond. So, with some reluctance, I shut my book and get up to find him.

'What did you want to ask me?' I ask him, walking into the kitchen where he's just cracking open a beer. When he sees me coming in, he chuckles at my impatience.