This is me trying

Labyrinth

~It only hurts this much right now, was what I was thinking the whole time~

Tw: mentions of abuse, panic attacks and eating disorders

I suddenly wake up, sweating and completely out of breath. I still feel like I am in the dream and start to panic, what if he doesn't go to jail and he finds me. 

I try to breathe but nothing comes in, my hands start shaking and I can't see clearly. I keep gasping for air until I am able to take little breaths in.

It takes ten more minutes before I am able to breathe somewhat properly again. I grab my phone to look at the time and see it's only 4 in the morning. 

Even though I am tired, I'm not going back to sleep, I don't want to get another nightmare. 

This nightmare was different than ones I have had before. I could tell the other ones were dreams, but I felt the pain, and the fear in this one. I hope this is not how I am going to have nightmares from now on, because I will never sleep again.

Suddenly, I hear some stumbling across the hall and realize Taylor woke up. I quickly lie down and pretend to be asleep, just in time because Taylor opens the door. 

I hear her walking in to the room and mumble to herself: "Oh, I really thought I heard her just now." 

I thought this was it and she would leave, but instead, I heard her walking closer. I felt the bed dip in a little and it takes everything in me not to tense up. Taylor tucks a loose piece of hair behind my ear and rests her hand on my head for a second before getting up again and leaving the room.

The second I hear that she is in her room again, I break down. She makes me feel so safe, but I feel like I can't lean into that sense of security. I'm scared that if I let down my wall, she will turn around and hurt me, just like everyone else does. 

~

Apparently I fell asleep crying, because I wake up again, and it is light outside. I realise Taylor probably woke up already, and I didn't make breakfast for her. She said I didn't have to, but it is probably a trap, Ralph used to do that too. 

I quickly get out of bed and put on some jeans. Just as I was about to leave my room, I hear footsteps on the stairs. 

My hands instantly start shaking, but I decide to walk out anyway, if she's going to hurt me, resisting will only make it worse.

I intertwine my hands behind my back and look at the floor as I step forward and suddenly am directly in front of Taylor.

"Hey, you're already out of bed, I made breakfast, wanna come eat?" Wait, she isn't mad that I slept longer than her?

She noticed my hesitation "What's wrong?" "Nothing, just, aren't you mad?" "Well why would I be mad babe?" "Because, I slept in longer than you and didn't make breakfast." I say quietly. "Noo, ofcourse not honey, I told you, if you don't want to make breakfast you don't have to, only if you want to." I nod, maybe she is telling the truth. "Want to come eat some breakfast?" I nod "Sure."

We walk downstairs and into the kitchen together. She leads me over to the table, where there is a stack of pancakes waiting for us. Great. 

"I know you haven't been that hungry, but I thought you would still like to eat something." I nod and sit down, I have to eat something, I can't make her worry about me.

While eating, Taylor chats away, while I mainly focus on eating somewhat normally. I manage to eat half of the pancake, before starting to struggle, and Taylor noticed almost right away. "Hey, it's okay, if you are not hungry anymore, you don't have to eat more, it's alright." "Thanks." I mumble and get up to throw the other half away.