All Because I Couldn't Say I Love You

Understand

KIE

I never thought a boy like JJ would love me. He's the kind of boy that would do anything for me. That's exactly what he's done.

Watching him cry over me shattered me. I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. We cried together. It truly was a heart to heart without words. I kissed his head, apologizing profusely. That made him pull back and cup my face. His big hands took up my jawline. Tears still ran down his face, but his eyes were looking in mine.

"There's no way you're gonna apologize for something like this. Kie, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to be scared. Kie, I've been through it. I really do undertstand." JJ says sternly, yet softly.

That's when it clicked.

JJ and I are really meant to be.

We now understand each other on a whole new level. The more I look into his eyes, the more hurt I see. I can tell this shattered him. The things he's always tried to keep me from. His heart broke for me.

I couldn't stand to see the hurt anymore. The hurt that flashed through his eyes, practically illuminating through his soul.

I nod in agreement, but all I can think about is Luke. Screw Ashton. The things he's done to me are unbearable, but JJ's my number one priority, always.

"JJ, are you okay?" I whisper. His response is to look at me in shock, pulling his hands off my face. "You're thinking about all the times that Luke hurt you, and you saw how this was under your nose, the same way it was under mine. I get it, JJ. Are you okay?" I ask, grabbing his hands.

He shifts comfortably when I do.

"You really are a mind reader. I'm just worried about you. The things he's done or said to you. The day you passed out makes sense. Everything makes sense. Kie, it's been months. So much could've happened to you." He whispers, voice starting to crack.

His hands make it to my hair. His fingers weaving around my curls. He scoots me down in his lap, pulling my head to his chest. He kisses the top of my head gently.

I relax into his touch. He's the only person, besides my dad, I've let show physical affection to me since they found out. My dad's hug may have been nice, but JJ's arms feel safer. My hands clutch around his arm. He's looking down at me with sad, loving eyes. His fingers still running through my hair. I sigh happily, leaning into his touch more. My reaction and smile is enough to make him slightly chuckle. He kisses my forehead. I can hear the others talking, but I'm not listening. I don't want to listen. All I want to do is focus on this beautiful blonde boy.

I hear his heartbeat relax after a few minutes. My thumb gently gliding over his arm. He stifles back in the chair, both of us relaxing for the first time today. I feel like the months of war I've fought, are over. However, I'm stuck with the aftermath. The tragic, terrible aftermath.

JJ's kind of jumpy, gets nervous around terrifying situations, nightmares, anger, flinching, his dads words stuck in his head 24/7/365, acts cocky, but he's insecure deep down, and when you touch him without warning after waking up, he bolts. Poor boy. He's dealt with it. He figured it out. Mostly.

For me, the shit show is just starting. I haven't been able to think about food without wanting to throw up, I can't look at my room the same, nightmares, spacing out, jumpy, flinching, emotional, slight self harm, and I'm insecure.

I know I sound crazy. The years of the abuse from Luke, and the months from Ashton. Those shouldn't be comparable. Somehow, the kind of are. I get what JJ felt. Well, I only got a taste of it. I've never fought back. I've been too scared to.

--------------------
Flashback- 10 years old.
--------------------

"Kie, heads up!" JJ exclaims, tossing me a can of root beer.

I giggle and catch it. He walks up to me and sits beside me.

"What's up?" He asks.

"Nothing," I sigh. "Just a mean boy."

"What are you talking about? Kie, is someone being mean to you?" He asks, putting an arm around me, pulling me closer. I nod, and he grimaces. "Kie, don't let a stupid boy fuck with you like that. No man should be disrespecting you. You know that. You never let someone get to you like this. What's going on?" He asks, rubbing my shoulder.

"He's- just... so mean, JJ. I've never let something like this bother me, but he hit too close to home!" I exclaim, tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

He's quick to put his thumbs beside her eyes, catching her beautiful tears on his fingertips.

"It's okay, Kie... keep going." He assures me.

I nod, "he was just calling me fat, and ugly. Talking about my curls and how ugly they look on my fat face." I tell him wiping my eyes.

"Kie, you're none of those things. You know that, right? I mean, if I were you, I'd never question how I look. I would know perfection. That's the only word that can I describe you in, with only a second. Kie, if a boy, or anyone treats you bad, tell me. I'll take care of you. Always. If something is wrong, please tell me. I want to help you. I'll hurt anybody that hurts you. Even just a little bit. You know that." He says, looking me in the eyes. Tears leak out of my eyes. They're not sad tears, they're tears of happiness.

I nod, as his hands find their way to my cheeks, wiping every last tear.

------------------------

So before you guys call me a dick for "sending JJ out there for me," there's context.

The man is in love with me. I'm in love with him. He knows it. I know it. But I think we both need to heal together.

In the middle of thinking, I feel JJ stand, and I'm in the air. My head in between his shoulder and chest. He sat smiles down at me, kissing my head. I can tell he remembered that day too. He Carrie's me to the Twinkie.

He truly is taking the news better than I thought her would. I totally thought he was going to go rag- and then I remembered, there's always tomorrow. JJ would gladly partake in killing Ashton.

I'm scared of and for Ashton.

----------------

SORRY ITS BEEN 3 WEEKS. IVE BEEN LOSING IT. OMG. ITS GOOD TO BE BACK.