Silent Shadows: Book Two - The River of Secrets

XXI

Content Warning: Parental abandonment and neglect.

I can't leave you. I can't leave you. I...

Silentdawn sat alone in the cavern, staring out at the constellations in the darkness. The night was eerily silent, it seemed all the other rogues had gone to sleep by now, leaving her alone with her thoughts. Outwardly, she was staring blankly, yet within she was haunted by the words she'd heard just a few hours ago.

Stormray. She'd only felt their love for a few days, and yet it had tasted like sweet water droplets after the longest drought. Only recently she'd discovered this sweet water had been mixed with blood. In her deep loneliness, it seemed she'd enjoyed the taste of blood.  

She dug her claws into the ground. Why must I be so pathetic? So afraid of being alone? The events of her life flowed through her mind, and she found her thoughts wandering back to her kithood.

Mother...

Her once lowered head immediately shot up.

"Clan life is simply barbaric, love. I feel I cannot take it much more."

The world slowed around her, she slowed. Her thoughts, her feelings, her heart. They all slowed. She found herself deafened by ringing.

"Goodbye," she said, as she walked away from her daughter. A day when all the butterflies hid away, a day when the yellow sun fled to somewhere behind the clouds. She'd left her feeling disconnected from the Clan, feeling as though she too was a rogue who wished to run away. 

Father was a strange tom. He'd barely look at me, like I was just the disgusting spawn of the she-cat who'd abandoned him and the Clan. He died fighting for the Clan. It was like he was trying to be the opposite of mother.

Silentdawn quickly gasped for air, her chest burning with pain. A million thoughts raced through her head, a million voices screaming. Yet, through the chaos in her head, she found herself stricken by one realization. I am like father, in a way. I slowly killed my mind trying to avenge my Clan.

No, I cannot stay away from this tainted water. I'd die of thirst if I were to stay away.

Sitting up, staring at the ground, she began to feel tears flow through her eyes. She finally shunned her thoughts and allowed her mind to rest silent, as she lowered her head and wept. A sudden memory arose from one of her heart's many deep trenches. 

The rogue. She was stricken by the image of the tomcat laying upon the ground, perfectly still and doused in maroon. Her stomach turned, heart pounding in guilt. How many must I have killed out of this fear of everything?

She stared at the darkness outside, at the flowers that stayed rotting despite the rise of spring. I wonder why my pain is so hideous.

I wonder why the world toys with me, wishing for me to hold malice. Perhaps I should just submit to it.

Submit to it just like they did.

"Like they did, huh?" a voice spoke, causing her head to rise.

"Continue on, Venus. Submit to your fear, just like they did."

-

It's strange, how shame about who you are can cause you to become a worse person, the tomcat pondered. Daisyfoot had been showing immense frustration from the way his directions hadn't brought them any closer to Pebblestar. Selenostar, despite his guilt, found it nearly amusing deliberately trying to lead her away from his brother. After all this, I just cannot bring myself to hurt him.