You made me ink | Alessia Russo

The one with the door

Alessia had never ran so quickly in her life. It felt like she had sat checking the time on her phone for the remainder of the time with her teammates. Waiting and wishing the seconds would tick by quicker so she could go and try and salvage whatever it was she had with Cairo. Once the girls had eventually parted ways, she waited for them all to turn a corner before she took off in the opposite direction, counting on her legs to carry her to where she wanted, where she needed to be.

"Sorry!" She shouted as she past a young couple on the stairs of Cairo's hotel, nearly bumping into them as she took two at a time. She'd originally pressed the button for the lift but had grown impatient when it took more than 5 seconds to arrive. She got to the floor she had memorised previously as Cairo's and slowed her sprint down to a jog till she reached the visiting girls room, quickly bringing her hand up and tapping her knuckles against the door rapidly, waiting for any sort of response. "Cai?" She raised her voice slightly as she leaned into the door. "Can we talk, please?" Alessia pleaded through the door, her knuckles tapping again on the door before she lay it flat against the wood, her forehead leaning in to join it as she rested her body against the door. "Please. Please, let me talk to you. Let me explain." The blonde was greeted by more silence. No movement, no anything. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, let me talk to you. I'm gonna be right here, okay? Right here when you want to speak." Alessia pleaded once again, pausing for a second to see if she heard anything else before turning her body around and sliding her body down the door and sitting with her back to it. If Cairo needed time, she could do that, but she had to talk to her. She had to let her know how sorry she was.

As she sat there with her back against the door, she bent her legs at her knees and rested her arms on top of them as she sniffed, tears leaving her eyes, both out of frustration and disappointment. Frustrated at herself, disappointed at her behaviour, disgust that she's hurt someone who actually cared about her. Who literally drove to Manchester just to spend some time with her because she asked her to.

"Less?" Alessia had been so consumed by the thoughts in her head that she hadn't processed the sound of approaching footsteps. Her eyes flicked over to Cairo, who stood there with some shopping bags in her hands. "What are you doing here?"

Alessia raced to stand up, subconsciously brushed her thighs as she got to her feet. "I needed to talk to you. I needed to apologise."

Cairo pursed her lips and looked at the empty corridor around them, half of her mind telling her to let Alessia say what she has to say out here so she can leave easier. But the other half of her doesn't have it in her to be petty like that. "Not out here. C'mon." Cairo leans around Alessia and opens the hotel door, gesturing for the blonde to go in first.

She's barely gotten the door closed before Alessia started.

"Cai, I'm honestly so sorry. I never meant to treat you like that, I just, I panicked. This whole thing is new to me...liking girls I mean...and I still don't fully understand it and I'm already so confused and we spent the other night together and it was amazing and I've honestly never felt so giddy, and I thought maybe I could do it, but then we ran into you and I got so scared and I-I-"

"Alessia, breathe." Cairo instructed, concerned the blonde hadn't taken more than two breaths during that whole speech.

"Stop, stop being so nice to me! I panicked, Cai. I got scared so bad. All I could think about was that I'd only just come to terms with my own wants, and now everyone else was going to know. I couldn't even look at you because when I look at you all I can think about is how much I like you. It was like my brain went into over drive and over thought every possible thing except what my heart wants."

Cairo watched Alessia's face as she spoke. She could see the pain etched all over her body, her face was scrunched and red from tears and frustration, her shoulders were tense, her fist was clenched. She was angry at herself, Cairo could see that. She knows Alessia wouldn't have done anything to purposely hurt her. But she also knows the days of putting other feelings above her own are long gone.

"Less," Cairo paused momentarily to take a breath, allowing herself those precious few seconds to think about how exactly to word what she was feeling. "I was basically born storming out the closet, and I understand that you weren't, and that's okay too, some people aren't, and that's fine. So I can't turn around and say I can understand what you're feeling, or where you're coming from, because I can't. I can't understand what you're feeling right now, I can't put myself in that position because I've never been in it, you know? I can guess, but I don't actually know. But what I do know is that I can't go back in the closet for someone, I can't be a little secret." Cairo spoke softly, she needed Alessia to understand she's not mad at her. She knows she's going through something, she's at the start of her journey, and that's alright. "I'm not saying you ever needed to shout it from the rooftops, but acting like you barely know me when you're with your friends? I can't do that, Less. And that's not your fault, I know that. I think maybe you need to take some time, learn who you are, who you really are. I'm not forcing you to out yourself, but I'm also not forcing myself to go in reverse."

Alessia listened to Cairo's words carefully. She felt like her heart was trying to beat out of her chest in the most painful way. "But I don't want time."

Cairo stepped closer to the blonde who was tearing up again. She reached up and brought her hands to Alessia's face, placing her hand on her cheeks and using her thumbs to wipe away the girls tears. "I know. But sometimes what we want isn't what we need. Take a breath, listen to me. I'm not saying our paths won't cross again, but you have a journey to go on before anything else. And that's a journey only you can do. You need to figure out who you are, figure out what you really want. But I can't allow myself to get hurt whilst you do that. Okay? You're an amazing person, Less. You really, really are. You're probably the purest soul I've ever met, and you deserve more than anyone will ever be able to give you. But you need to be happy within yourself. And you can't do that without being unapologetically you. You're gonna be okay, Less. You understand me? You're gonna be okay." Cairo spoke carefully, trying her hardest to keep her own emotions at bay.

"I just-I-"

Cairo's eyes softened before moving her hand to Alessia's neck and pulling the girl in for a hug. "I know, come here."

The pair stood in the middle of the hotel room, allowing their bodies to lean on each other as they used each other for strength.

"Here," Cairo paused as she separated herself from the girl in her arms before walking over to the box she had got from the coffee shop previously. "You're gonna take this home, you're gonna invite Ella over, you're gonna put on a shitty movie, and you're gonna eat this, okay? You need to allow yourself time to feel what you're feeling. Don't dismiss it. Don't let what you're feeling now be for nothing."

Alessia reached out and grabbed the box from the brunette taking it from her gentle and nodding along. She didn't have anymore words. All she knew was that her heart was aching more than it ever had before, and her brain felt like it was trying to escape her own head.

Her journey hadn't even began, and she'd already ruined what she wanted.

Don't worry, our girl is gonna give her head a swivel soon.