Star

|13| Bog off.

🌜⛸️Grey⛸️🌛

She is so fucking beautiful. I've tried not to be such an ass and I actually did it. Except I hate myself even more.

I want her. I really fucking want her. And not for sex. But for her. I want to be the reason for every one of those beautiful smiles. I want to get to witness every time her blue eyes glisten and shine. I want to see her every accomplishment.

I want her to be mine. To cuddle. To kiss. To share sweet moments with. To compliment. To do anything either of us wishes for.

Growing up, my mother was always attached to my dad by the hip. She'd feed me and give me clothes but that's about it. I never really bad her to talk to about girls. Or my dad to be fair.

I used to think they were so madly in love and that I ruined their romance. But that was until I was a teenager, just turned 14 and I saw him hitting her. Beating her.

And I feared I'd be like that one day.

That was also the time the others found out about the abuse I'd endured for years. But I didn't care, it was my mom I cared about. But she never let me help. Never.

So I left it, and that was when I realised I just ignored her pain and still to this day I feel like a shit human.

One of the reasons I never told Estella how I felt and started being an ass was because I couldn't fall for her.

Then, her brothers were overprotective and never wanted any guy near their sweet little sister.

But the other was because I never wanted to turn out like him. And if I did, I don't want to hurt Estella. Never in my life will I ever hurt her.

But I have. With every bit of assholery in me, I poured out onto her, thinking it would save her.

But I made her how she is. I ignored her so she didn't speak to me anymore. I ignored her abusive coach. I ignored her. And so she pushed everyone away because of her coach. She pushed me away because I did, too.

So I guess I hurt her more than I feared I would. Mentally, at least. And now, I want to do everything that I can to make sure her coach never touches her again. I want no. I NEED her to get a new coach.

The way she asked me if I was pissy or happy earlier and the look in her eyes, it made me want to punch myself in the face so hard I'd black out. Because, fuck, she thought I was pissed off wuth her and she thought I was gonna be an ass like every Saturday. Which is her usual go to spend the night with us and watch a movie.

She stopped doing that and stayed at dance all hours of the fucking day.

I don't know if I'm playing the blame game and blaming myself but its my fucking fault.

If I hadn't been an ass to her then I could've helped her find a better coach or she would've spoken to me. She'd always be open back home and the second I started being an ass, that was it, she closed off. She became a safe nobody knew the code to.

All this time, I think the code was calling her Star. Because she's seemed more open. And she was going to spill something earlier. She was going to open up again like she had before. But that's what happened when I started to ignore her.

She stopped speaking up.

So this will need some more time to get her to open up but it'll be worth it in the end.

Shes already sparking like a warm blue star. My Estella.

Back to reality, though. She's reaching out to me in the ice skate room. Sat on the floor, once again.