Fallen - A Castiel x Reader Fanfic

𝕆𝕟𝕖

𝕐/ℕ

Another end to another long fucking week.

A long week of waking up alone, going to my solitary desk job, coming back to my empty house, watching the same boring shows, reading the same books with fantasy worlds that I'll never be a part of. 

Maybe I should stop reading books for a while....I always get depressed when the book ends, and I come back to reality to realize I'm still sitting in my bed...not in some realm of monsters and knights and princes and fairies and whatever else I attempt to cure my boredom with.

But, it's the only relief I get. I've never been much of a people person at any point in my life. I guess you could say my people skills are...rusty. 

I just felt like I've never really fit in anywhere in society...like I was meant for something more than what this shitty life had to offer. I'm sure everyone feels that way, but they just face the world headstrong anyway. 

Maybe that's why I suck at things like love and social interaction. I'm too stuck in a fairytale. 

Can you blame me though? People just...suck. 

I've tried before...I had close friends, once upon a time. But I distanced myself after they all began to show their true colors. They were the kind of people who came to me for advice, needing to vent, needing money, needing a ride...and I obliged them every single time. I protected them, gave them all I had, all my time...I'd give the shirt off my back for any of them.

But....none of them would do the same for me. They never did.

It didn't matter if I was in a rough patch, feeling down....none of them lifted a finger, and suddenly disappeared whenever I was in need. That's when I decided it wasn't worth the effort. If there was no one around to protect me, then I wasn't going to protect anyone else. I'd rather just...be alone.

Maybe that makes me the oddball. Maybe there's a crack in my coding, because I just can't put myself out there like everyone else can. Maybe I just wasn't pretty enough to be worthy...maybe I was too nerdy...maybe I was too big...maybe I was just too awkward. 

And dating? HA! Forget about it.

One heartbreak too many told me everything I needed to about trying to mingle with men. It's all so shallow...so devoid of anything real or special. Just not worth it. I guess that's the norm in society now...having the pictures to post on social media...but not the substance to back up the faux smiles. 

I want no part of it. So if I'm the odd man out and unlovable because of that....fine. I guess I am the one with the problem. 

Perhaps it would be better to try to think optimistically. Think that maybe somewhere out there...there's a way of life that's different. I'm not so naive as to believe monsters and magic exist but...there at least has to be people out there worth giving everything for. Someone worth breaking down every barrier I have for...someone who feels like an outcast like me, and someone worth creating a new kind of life with. 

But the more time that passes....the more I believe that's just a fairytale too. 

It weighs on me, sometimes. Most of the time I'm just on autopilot, going through the motions...making money, paying my mortgage. Other times, it hits. The loneliness...the lack of something enthralling...something surreal. It's kind of hard to pull myself out of that spiral...so that's when I like to go on long walks to clear my head.