Fallen - A Castiel x Reader Fanfic

𝕊𝕚𝕩

𝕐/ℕ

I woke up to the sound of the motel room door creaking open and then slamming shut.

I grumbled as the sound stirred me, and I squinted my eyes at the dim light drifting in from the window. It wasn't light and airy like the morning rays of the rising sun...more like the muted orange of the setting one instead. 

I glanced at the clock on the nightstand, and noted that it read 6:00PM, and that sight alone caused me to jolt upward and immediately rub the tiredness from my eyes.

"Damn...you just now getting up?" I heard Dean chuckle as the heavy thump of his bag hitting the floor pierced my eardrums. "You throw a party or something?"

"Not exactly." I murmured, blinking my eyes rapidly to try and adjust to my surroundings.

If by 'party' he meant staying up all night and waiting for Castiel to miraculously reappear and put my existential dread and raging self-deprecating anxiety to rest...then yes. I threw one hell of a rager.

I felt...pathetic. But I couldn't keep myself from staring at the motel room door for hours and hours on end. Castiel probably didn't even have to use the door to get back in here, but...I still hoped that he'd waltz back through it.

'Hoped'...not prayed. Because I was too confused by my own feelings towards the angel to even come to terms with them myself, let alone allow him to have private access to my innermost thoughts. 

I did consider it though...maybe it would be easier. All I had to do was focus my mind and release all the swarming thoughts clouding it, and then he could see exactly how I was feeling...maybe even help me make sense of it.

Or...he'd think I'm a raving lunatic and be entirely creeped out. And that was a risk I just wasn't willing to take, now that I've finally found something worth making an effort for. 

I'd considered praying to him with an apology...but I didn't even know what I was supposed to be apologizing for. Maybe I dressed too suggestively or I stared at him too long...maybe I subconsciously leaned my head toward him when his lips were within range, and I'd just creeped him out anyway.

Or...maybe Dean really did pray to him for help, and I am just driving myself completely insane for no fucking reason.

But what was the reason? I found men attractive, yes. Like any other woman, I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one. I've been in love before...and though it is a natural emotion to feel, I put a very sturdy cage around my heart the first time it ever got broken...and love is not an emotion that comes natural to me any longer. 

But Castiel...it goes beyond all of that. It goes beyond attraction and emotion...and at first I thought it was because I was enthralled with the fact he was an angel. Or maybe I just felt as if I was connected to him because he'd saved my life. But the more I dwelled on it...the more I began to debunk those theories. 

When we were alone for that brief, fleeting moment...I didn't see an angel. Even with his teleporting tricks and his lack of knowledge about some basic human things...he wasn't foreign or extra-terrestrial to me. He was a person...a man. A man who related to me and seemed as if he were just trying to find his way in the world just like I was. And though I admired that about him...I couldn't figure out why I just seemed to fall apart in his presence.