Nobodies gonna see this probably.
That's okay.
I used to worry and fret about how I wasn't the main character. It's true, now I know that. I know it's not serious, and I know I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But it still hurts, you know? I say it as a joke fo my friends but it's true!
I have a schedule I follow almost every day. I go to school, come home, do nothing, and sleep. So I try my best to add meaning to my life. Do ice skating, quit cheer, do art, but nothing seems to work. I sit around waiting for Alice to text, and it gives me my little serotonin I need. I'm in a constant battle with my anxiety and dysphoria, and I'm too scared to speak up. I listen to other people's problems, the things they love, but I don't seem to be able to share the same without sounding like a broken record. It's probably just me, but I feel people don't care as much to listen. But I'm probably just overly passive. I know I am, since I give up on arguments so I don't have to fight with people even when I know I'm right. The some times where I do feel mildly important, it dissappears as soon as I get it. In my own life, I am a side character.
Thats okay.
But any time I get the smallest bit of attention, I try and milk it. Get popular on socials? It becomes my pride and joy, my life. But once people don't care anymore, I feel as if it's useless because no one wants to talk to me about it. I lose motivation when I don't feel praised. It's stupid, but I do. Whenever I do something I find interesting, no one seems to care. When others do, it's super cool and fun.
I don't have a lot of friends either. I would like more friends. I'm okay with my 5 friends though. But it'd be cool to have other friends I could talk about to my friends. A group that I can go out into the woods with or chug Monsters with. A group who understands what gender euphoria feels like. I can spend all night at the playground with them and then come back to school and tell everyone how cool it was.
Maybe that's why I like getting hurt. Because for a split second, people care and pay attention to me.
I know this is a toxic trait.
But I can't help but feel unimportant.
And I don't feel like people care. Like this. This probs won't be seen by anyone. But at least it's here. At least I'm here.
