Again, no one's gonna see this, but it's okay! I'm just happy to get things off my chest. This is like therapy!!
1. It's exam week and I've almost fallen asleep during my tests, I'm tired of this shit and it's stressful, especially since tonight's the first time I get to sleep in my own bed since last week.
2. Building on that, 9 fucking trees fell at my house last week because of a tornado that passed right over my house. It's just been super stressful.
3. I'm pissed because other kids get rewards for taking tests and doing good but I've NEVER gotten that, since it's expected of me. Just because I'm a straight a student and have been my whole life, (knock on wood, I've never gotten a b) doesn't mean tests aren't hard and stressful. I work my ass off to get good grades, and it should pay off, right? But no. Because it's not impressive. It makes me want to give up.
4. For some reason any little thing has been setting me off. Either in anger or anxiety or sadness, I've been almost crying way too much. I think last week and the week before I was on the verge of tears from 10 am to 2 pm almost every school day.
5. I can't tell the difference between anxiety and self hatred anymore. I blame everything on anxiety because I'm in a constant state of anxiousness so it always seems that way, but I've thought more and a lot of it is self hatred.
6. Speaking of self hatred, I felt confident in my own skin before other people knew I was trans, and I feel like I would have been fine if I was able to smoothly transition when I went to a new school. I had a plan, and that was that I was gonna go by he/ him In my new school and finish out the year going by she/her, but now I'm not able to go on trips with a few friends because their parents know. Now I don't blame them at all, I really don't. Bonding between parents means there's little to no secrets sometimes. But for some reason it bothered me. All of a sudden I realized that I was hurting other people by being trans. I wish I could change it. But I can't. It's not a choice, but God I wish it was. I have to choose between being happy and being myself, or shoving it down and making others happy. And idk what to do anymore.
7. I still want to be seen. I want to be unique. But every time I try someone else overshadows me. I've expressed this want before, but I want another group of friends. Someone I can talk to my friends about. A way I can seem cool. A friend group I can explore the woods with. A group I can try every monster with. A group I can goof off with. People I can tell my current friend group about. My friend A has her friends from winter guard, Alice has her friends from her band, my friends H and G have friends from volleyball, and my friend J has friends from swim. They all tell stories about how fun the stuff they do is. I have no one else like that. If I tell them about things we've done without the others, I seem like I'm rubbing it in their face that they didn't get to go. Idk. I've learned I am lonelier than I thought.
But now, things I love, and things that have been good.
1. I love being outside. I love going outside and painting and crafting on the front porch, or exploring the woods near parks. I love sitting on the dock in front of my algae infested pool and listening to the frogs and watching the tadpoles. I love watching the sunset. It calms me down.
2. I love my pets. My dog and one of my cats will always lay with me when I'm crying. They're the first to comfort me. My cat is laying with me as I type this, and came over as soon as I started getting anxiety and started to cry. My dog came over yesterday when I was crying too.
3. I love spending me time. It's an escape. I could be watching markiplier or listening to music or drawing, but all of it is so nice...
4. Although I hate myself sometimes, I love myself too. I love how I can be myself online, I love how I can go to the mall and feel cool.
5. I haven't had dysphoria other than the stuff mentioned above!! I know I talk about it too much and passing seems like my priority, but it isn't. But I've noticed from using my tape, styling my hair, and wearing cool clothes, my dysphoria is being crushed, and that's one thing I can be happy about.
