My friends are cool. I fucking love my friends. But they all know each other. I have no one to talk to them about. Just myself. Which gets boring. I hate talking about myself because I feel selfish. But when I talk about other people I feel like my friends think I'm leaving them or that I talk too much about them. I want a hobby where I can meet people. Right now I'm in ice skating lessons, but everyone there is adults. I probably won't make friends with them. I feel like my friend's friends are off limits, since it's kind of rude to be better friends with people who your friend introduced you to. I'm just scared. Scared they're going to hate each other because I spend more time with someone else.
T/W: mentions of sh and stuff
Now My awful habits.
I don't tell people when I'm upset because I'm scared I'm going to hurt them. 2 years ago I almost pushed someone to kill themselves and I've never really recovered. I didn't mean to. All I did was break up with him. But I snapped, and when I snap, I forget about the future and what it may do. So now I can't tell anyone anything anymore. I can't tell them if they annoy me, or if they made me mad. I say I will and I want to but I can't. I'm too scared. And I'm scared that if I bottle all of this up, I'll do the same thing. But I think too much about other people. I know what they would have to go through if I ended up dying, so I don't because I care. I don't want to scare people, and I don't want to hurt anyone. My friends are quite literally keeping me Alive right now.
Also, it sounds awful, but as previously mentioned, the attention from getting hurt makes me feel like I matter for once. Like I'm not there just for someone else's development. I ended up cutting up all fingers on one hand with a razor last week. It didn't hurt. I don't Even think it's technically sh. No blood, no nothing. But I thought maybe someone would notice and feel bad. I know it's toxic, don't tell me.
I feel like I put in too much effort into friendships and my art and anything I do. It doesn't get noticed. I don't get praise or validation or a thanks. Specifically for art. But I think its because I care too much. I tell people their art and everything they do is great but I never seem to get anything back. And that's okay. I don't really care because they'd compliment it if it was good. That just means I have to work harder. But when I do ice skating, the coaches see how good I am and praise me for it. When I do track, people see the effort I put in for high jump. Some of my older friends know this is how I function. Praise pushes me through the pain. Without validation, I feel like nothing. Yes. I know this isn't healthy.
I feel like I'm faking everything sometimes. Maybe I'm just doing stuff for attention. I can't tell. I know I'm not. But I don't want it to seem that way. And if it does, im scared people will be annoyed by me. Gender shit, anxiety, everything. But if only they could see the sleepless nights, the hundreds of mental breakdowns I have. And people probably don't think I'm faking it. I'm reading too far in. But overthinking is my best skill.
On this topic sometimes I doubt that I'm trans. Which is stupid since I've known for a year by now. I think it's because I don't have dysphoria. Body dysphoria, anyways. I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body. But when I went ice skating once, someone mistook me as a boy and it just... felt right. I wanted it to happen again. It made me feel full. Idk how to describe it. After that, it almost hurt to be called feminine things. Still does. But I pass better now so it's become less of a painful thing. When I'm out in public and at ice skating, I pass great. At school is only one place, right? Either way, I doubt myself. But I still cry myself to sleep wishing I was born male.
Nobodies gonna see this. But it's okay. I was told not to bottle up my feelings and I'm getting them out.
