There's a lot here so yeah!! I'm all good, just wanted to get this off my chest because I'm in the mood and I don't really wanna hold it in
First Of all, I'm pissed I didn't qualify for county for track. As much as I love my friend, she beat me even though I've done high jump for 3 years. Also, the coaches suck because they don't know how to judge high jump. But overall I'm just dissapointed in myself.
Second, idk why I bother telling my parents I'm trans. They call me kay but don't try to get my brother to stop calling me "sissy" and they don't call me he. My dad supports me and is probably the best about it (he said I looked handsome the other day!) But my mom doesn't seem to care or try. I know it sounds so stupid that this bothers me but it really does. It just makes me uncomfortable and whenever I'm trying to pass it makes it hard when I constantly have my old name and pronouns following me everywhere I go
3rd, sometimes I wish bad things would happen to me. Like a hurricane or a tornado or something awful. I dont know why. And I sound like a bad person because plenty of people go through that and lose lives but for some reason I need that excitement in my life.
4th, going along with 3, I know I've said this, but ik I'm not the main character in my own life. I just... I don't have anything interesting about me. I'm average at almost everything and it's not like I've moved or have a particularly interesting story. I just... am. And it bothers me.
Tw, suicide
Lastly, I hate the fact that i had to get my friends mom's number last night just in case she ever did anything and I had to tell someone. I hate that I just know what to do now. That I get the message, I call a parent and I betray their trust by telling. But 3 people I know have scared me into thinking they died and I knew, that I'm just not sensitive to it anymore. And I hate that i have to choose. Do I tell their parents that they're suicidal and risk them getting even worse, or do I keep it a secret so they keep telling me when it gets bad? Because I know they won't tell anyone else and it's scary that I'm the only one they'll go to. It's hard to prove to people every day how awful it would be if they ended it. I shouldn't have to tell people that. I'm a kid. And that's scary. My first experience with stuff like that was when I was 12. And I thought it was my fault. So it's scary, you know? But it's sad I know what to do.
