golden boy : stozier

forty six

"so, billiam, open up." richie cocked his head, looking past the other two boys to bill. sat out on the edge of derry's most disappointing viewpoint, all the attention was on bill.

"i d-duh-don't really know what i'd s-suh-say," bill shrugged, lying down to avoid richie's eye contact. on the ground, he could see the lines of mike's hands, sat out behind him for support. bill could also see richie's arm behind stanley, but he chose not to mention it.

"i mean, you're clearly feeling something. what do you think it is? regret? relief?" mike pushed.

bill sighed, "b-both. i don't kn-nuh-know what to think. i thought i l-luh-loved her, even if she was a bit clingy, or-or annoying."

"you're not sure you loved her?" mike was scratching his neck.

"what is love? i d-duh-don't fuckin' know." bill put his hands over his eyes.

"no one does. not until they love someone, anyhow," richie said, stanley looking down to the ground as he lightly scratched the thigh of richie's shorts. richie smiled.

"well, i g-guh-guess that answers my question."

"onto better things, then?" stanley looked back to bill. bill, who was now pulling his hair over his face.

"if i can f-fuh-find better things." bill murmured. "i don't know who else wants a stuttering asshole."

"i'm sure there's someone." stan said, and him and richie made eye contact, thinking about what they'd joked about earlier. richie nearly snickered.

"whatever. it's almost summer, now you can actually hang out with us," mike laughed, and bill sat back up, agreeing. the sun, almost set, was lighting mike up in a particularly serene way, causing bill's eyes to linger on him. 

as they continued chatting, stanley slowly leaned more and more into richie, who let him. mike was withholding the urge to look, richie was sure. for all richie cared, mike could commit the image to memory and paint it if he wanted; richie wanted the world to know his best friend loved him back.

the feeling was unstoppable now that it had been said aloud, richie had to bite his tongue to keep from mouthing "i love you" each and every second. he was beginning to understand just what love was, now that he had stan's head resting against his chest.

hanging out seemed to cheer bill up, his hair pushed out of his face now as he laughed at something mike had said. he'd even felt well enough to drive them back to richie's house as the sun left its station in the sky, opening all the windows and letting the wind fill the car.

richie had his head slightly out of the window, letting air brush past him and remind him how life felt. and sure, he had to hold onto his glasses, but it was worth the dents in the bridge of his nose. when he glanced back into the car, he caught a glimpse of stan, looking over at him sweetly. the boy was incapable of anything sour, it seemed. a never ending bombardment of sugar, with the occasional teasing retort.

it was only ever sour in moments like this, when stanley backed away from richie's light kiss, alone in richie's kitchen long after bill and mike had left.

"i have to go home," he said, brushing back richie's hair with his hand.

"god-damnit," richie snapped his finger, joking to keep a smile on stanley's face. he brought his hand up to stan's chin. "i'm gonna miss you, you know?"

"i do. i feel the same way." stan was a little pink in the face. richie thought it was cute, his blushing at anything romantic.

"can i ask you something, before you go?" richie hadn't yet let go of stan, but in all fairness, stan hadn't let go either. stan nodded. "how do you want to navigate this in public? like, when it's not just us, or.. or not just those losers we hang out with, either."

he couldn't help from joking, richie. it was carved into his way of living; very little of richie's emotions ever broke the surface without a joke prefacing it. the truth was richie knew he loved stanley, and that he would have done anything for him, but it didn't keep him from being just a little scared. he'd never known the word gay to be used positively until stan had asked—with no ill intent—if he was gay.

he knew derry in and out, living the line between shadow and person trying to avoid being targeted, and he knew what walking into direct sunlight felt like. richie didn't know what stanley wanted. and, arguably harder, richie didn't know if he wanted to subject stan to that.

"i don't know yet. all i know is that i love you, i guess. that's the easy part, right? we'll work the rest out together." stan was just a goddamn poet, putting richie's heart to rest as he spoke softly.

yeah, bill never could've loved bev. he would've known what this felt like. this overpowering love, admiration for the only person who you know you could spend the rest of time with.

"right as always, staniel."

stanley kissed him. richie felt like he'd win a million bucks.