Sins and Reborns

Chapter nine

Grace

"Oh, that shall be excellent, Raymond!"

"Perhaps you shall give her a call? To start to organize things?"

Absolutely not!

When I woke this morning, I didn't except to overhear this. Days after my kiss with Connor, I didn't expect to hear of arrangements with another man. To a man I knew fairly well as a matter of fact! A man who was kind but not too kind, not suitable for me especially. Someone with too close relations to the man I desired.

His best friend. Tim Nord.

And to think Mother despised Mrs Nord. But with the charity functions, Mrs Nord was a proper aspect. Nothing more than a business deal. This way, they'd keep up the good image, specifically with my marriage to Tim. Unite the families like they did in the old days. A bit sick to think about, considering the era we lived in now, but not in Reverence Creek where arrangements and image meant all, where you deceived to achieve your wants.

They were crazy to think I'd marry Tim.

And hadn't Connor mentioned him being in a relationship?

No. Absolutely not! This was where I stood my ground.

So to ponder over thoughts, I excused myself with a visit to the Nord's house, assisting Mother a lending hand, said I'd return in an hour. They both seemed eager to see me head there on my own – with their permission, of course, but with a certain diligence.

Although I didn't take the detour to the Nord's residence. Instead, I turned left, a scarf over my head for disguise, and ventured for a mile up to the pier where they attended carnivals that I'd never had the chance to attend. Mother claimed they were terrible for your mind, filled with lousy teenagers, dangerous activities, and sugary stuff. Although in early fall, the pier barely held stands that sold tickets for future events, a fishing store. I ventured down the birchwood steps to the sand beach, the waves splashing against the big, edgy rocks in the water.

Had I swam before? Had Mother and Father taken me when I was too young to think of monsters?

The water spoke of freedom as I sat under the pier, children's squeals above me. I imagined Wesley as one of them. A happy kid. Someday in a different world, up in the snow-powdered mountains of Norway. A knife hacked a fish, the remains thrown in the water. They floated in a bloody heap. The chunks floated away from me. Scrapes of feet on wooden planks.

Another echo of laughter.

This time closer.

A young couple strolling down the beach, embraced at first. Then the tall girl took off in a sprint, her faded brown hair in a ponytail swinging behind. The guy took off after, laughing like he enjoyed a little chase. They toppled in the sand, her legs kicking at him as she laughed harder, then she kissed him. She was dressed in a red triangle bikini top and jeans shorts. Free to wear whatever she desired. Her figure was curvy with full breasts. No need for long-sleeved dresses or a high collarbone.

He was fully dressed. The taper haircut tousled with wind, grey jeans riding low on hips.

Tim.

No one critiqued them. No one scolded the girl for dressing so cold. No one scolded her for her loud, squeaky laughter. Or her public affections with the boyfriend. They were like a movie couple who everyone cheered on.

They passed by me. Saw my stare.

Tim's laughter stopped briefly, then called out to her: "Anna!"

Such a simple name to everyone else. The name of pretty, popular girls in movies. The name of movies stares. It can be short for Hannah, Annabelle, Anastasia. Ironically, Anna us the Latin form of the Greek. In biblical terms, it can mean: "God has favoured me." Saint Anna (some may say Saint Anne) was also the Virgin Mary's mother. Although, there is no mention of her in the bible. I learned the story from a non-biblical book I found in the basement. Hidden away. According to the story, Virgin Mary's parents, Joachim and Anne were childless for many years of their marriage. Anna can mean favour, beautiful, or even... grace.

She turned with elegance. I hoped to God she cherished that pretty name. I even wondered if her parents knew she'd lived up to the name – unlike mine who cursed to the higher gods that I'd ever been born.

I caught her smile. Brazen. Fearless. Nurturing. The smile of a friend.

Not that I'd had any.

And to imagine I thought so poorly of her a minute ago.

You're not what they al aspire you to be. You can be your own person. Like Anna.

And I wanted to be her with the tight jean shorts, the free breasts, the wild hair and shining hair. Her that waved at strangers. Her that didn't care what people thought of her. Her as she held her boyfriend's hand and knew she was in charge. When in fact she was, the master of all problem solving's.

While I sat under the pier, contemplating my bane existence.

But perhaps I could be someone. Perhaps I could hold Connor's hand in public someday. Perhaps I'd even have more boyfriends. Perhaps I'd lose what I'd gained all this time and managed to put it behind me. Maybe years from now, Wesley and I would have our little apartment, or a big house, and I'd teach him all the rights of the world. I'd work as an astrophysicist, navigate and see all the stars in space, maybe even find new stars, and my co-workers wouldn't judge me for my newfound short clothes and my heavy makeup. I'd go to get a drink with them after hours, talk with the girls all I'd ever dreamed of, even share in on the gossip of the week. I'd return home at night to an either empty house where I lived independently and happily, or one I shared with Wes and whatever boyfriend of the week, or with Connor. We'd have gotten over our differences. He'd know all about me, about the monsters, and hold me really tight at night.

As Anna and Tim retreated further into the haze of sunset, their footprints in the sand, and their figures close, I knew I'd only dreamed. Because what was happening now wouldn't be solved unless I spoke my truth.

If that'd ever be.

***