Sins and Reborns

Chapter four

GRACE

How do you make someone see you who has been hidden in the dark for a long time?

You don't.

Mother used to read me bedtime stories about monsters, how they shatter you apart, rip out any shred of happiness. In the end, you are bound to be found in an alleyway with all life drained. As everyone in town thought of Connor as a monster, I saw him as something more. Much more. Perhaps as my own monster to tame.

During lonely nights, I fantasised about taming the beast. When I brought myself to the highest place on the rollercoaster, to the top, I imagined him. I imagined it was all him.

As I was saying, monsters follow you to the ends of the earth. They sleep under your bed, wait for you to glance under, then they pull you in. Often, they are disguised as people you see on the streets, people you wave hello to. They wear masks to hide the darkness. How can you tell the difference between a human and a monster?

A simple answer: you look right into their eyes, journey down to their heart, and see if it is coated in darkness.

In his eyes, he was pure. Only a hopeless boy who had lost in life at too young.

What did he think about at night? Did he think about me? Think about someone else?

Clamping a hand over my mouth as I thought of him with another woman, I muffled a scream into it. Screamed enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Why couldn't he love me as much as I loved him?

Take me away. Throw me over your shoulder. Let's leave this town together.

Or was I the monster with my thoughts, the sick fantasies?

Father used to tell me there was a demon inside me. A bad demon bound to destroy me and anything else around me. This was the reason for their cruel demeanour, why I couldn't be let out of sight. A bad child who needed punishing. Incapable of living alone. So unworthy I didn't deserve proper education. Not smart enough to learn with others. Other demons would bring out the hidden one in me.

Some days, he told me I was worthy of no man. A man would not want a corrupted woman. I had to learn to behave before I were to marry. And that I would need a strict man, a man who was to put me in place and punish me for my sins. But my husband was going to have many lovers; I would not satisfy him enough, and as to pay me back, he would bring home lovers where I'd sit and watch. Be alone.

For the demon inside me, I deserved it, or so Father said.

***

The next day, on a Tuesday, my mother brought me to the store with her. She told me to dress nicely, almost as nice as to the church, but not too slutty either. Never slutty. Long skirts or dresses. Never jeans or pants because no woman is supposed to wear pants, not if they want to look like a man. And jeans show too much, give men wrong ideas. Above the skirt was always a long-sleeved shirt or a sweater, even during summer. The bare skin was reserved for your future husband.

Mother and I walked to the local market. We needed groceries. She had not bought any groceries in two weeks. Then she mumbled about me not needing so much food, that no man would not want me if I was thick. Men love a small, skinny woman with jutting bones to show.

Not that I saw how she could say this since she was the opposite of what men desired. How could she say this to me when she was on the thicker side - tall and big? How can judgments be based on appearance? A body builds itself from scratch, develops with nutrients, calories, hormones. I strongly believed that people do not choose their bodies, but they are chosen for them before they are born, and what they do after they are born, and when years have passed, it remains their choice.