TNT Short Fics

The Year of Yes - Part 1

Saying Yes to Yes

September 2022

Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one "no" at a time. One no from yourself or worse, a no from someone you love and you just accept as the truth.

"No, I can't come out tonight, it will be too much havoc and I want you to have a good time on your birthday."

"No, it's fine that you don't want to come to the Grammys, I know you hate the attention."

"No, Taylor, I don't think I ever see myself marrying you. It's too much."

So many nos, until one day you finally look yourself in the mirror for the first time in months and see no one.

*****

"You never say yes to anything."

It's said with a nonchalance that takes her by surprise. Blake is sitting on her couch, phone propped up so she can talk and still paint her nails. She is planning a girls' weekend with some of their mutual friends before the new baby comes and she glosses over even asking Taylor to come with that simple statement. There is no further clarification, only a silence that makes Taylor think FaceTime froze for a moment. But no, it's just final. Like Blake has just accepted this as truth.

It's a bomb that drops straight through Taylor to the pit of her stomach with precise accuracy. She wants to argue, to point out all the ways in which Blake is wrong. But she can't. She's slowly but surely, chipped away at her entire life until it's just her in this house. Yes, she goes out for work, but even then, it's only the big things.

She used to love this house. But now it seems like a pen keeping her in.

She could blame it on 2016 and 2017, but that isn't the truth, is it? She'd been coming out of that shell slowly but surely in 2018 and 2019. Taking back her life in small ways, venturing out. Going back to New York more and more. And then 2020 happened and the whole world shut down. Yet somehow, once things started opening back up, she just closed herself up even further. Because it is too hard to face the truth.

And the truth is that it is almost impossible to admit that little by little someone could chip away at your self-esteem in the name of "peace." And that you just let them. That being private about a relationship went from keeping a low profile when out together to outright refusing to be seen together. From not talking about private details of their life to getting angry when someone happened to mention your name.

It's easier to lose herself in music than face that. Lose herself in what she says are stories, fairytales, folklore—but she knows the truth. And when one night, she sits in her best friend's house and pours herself into a song that breaks her heart, that makes him look away and set his glasses down while he grabs another bottle of wine for them both—well, what does she even do with that? It's too much. She is too much.

With that, she shoves it all down. Puts the song to the side, and tries to be less.

Until she's here with Blake on the phone, realizing that she's made herself so small that she's almost gone.

"I don't want to say no." It comes out as almost a whisper. It's hard to let that out into the space around her, but she needs to say it. She needs to give voice to all of this before it's too late.

"I know you don't. But for some reason you do. I...I miss you, Taylor. I know I'm one of the few people who still sees you all the time, but I still miss you."

She looks down and wants there to be tears but they've all gone. She doesn't remember how to be sad.

"I'm miserable."

"I know. And I can't tell you how to fix that, T," Blake states. "But I know you. I knew you first. So I know you can fix this. You just have to want it for yourself. And I'm here when you are ready to do that."

She scrubs at her eyes even with no tears. And makes up her mind that this is not how she's going to live.

"Please ask me," she pleads.

Blake beams at her through the phone. "Do you want to come with us next month?"

"I have to be in New York for a Midnights release meeting on Friday but I can be there on Saturday."

"That would be totally fine," her best friend agrees quickly.

"Then, my answer is yes." She nods her head to emphasize the point. And it feels like that bomb dissipates just a little.

"Welcome back, Taylor." 

Author Notes: This story is inspired by Shonda Rhimes' "Year of Yes." I recently re-read the book and the ideas just came from there. It doesn't mention the book directly but some quotes and snippets helped me navigate the story. I'll be sure to put the direct quotes I may have used in a chapter in each endnote.

"You never say yes to anything." and "Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one "no" at a time." both are direct quotes from the Year of Yes.