3 AM and I'm still awake - Part 1

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Five Times Taylor and Travis are awake in the middle of the night + 1 night they sleep straight through

1. Perilous night 

The doors are locked. The doors are locked. Thedoorsarelockedthedoorsarelockedicantgetout. The water is rising. I can't get out. Thedoorsarelockedthedoorsarelockedicantgetout.

She sits up with a gasp, her heart pounding. She can hear the sobs coming loud and harsh, and she's unable to control them. She feels lost in her most elemental state of fear.

Through the fog, she feels a simple light touch to her arm. A small point of contact and she drags her mind towards it. Focuses through the noise to try and reach it.

"Tay," he calls. And then louder, "Taylor," trying to bring her back.

She reaches for the hand on her arm, gripping hard enough that she knows her fingernails are digging into his skin but she cannot lessen her grip. Not when that hand is her only lifeline right now.

"It's not real. You're here with me. It's not real. We're here," comes his voice softly over and over. He moves hesitantly closer, giving her time to tell him no but easing his arm around her when she doesn't. She starts to feel the adrenaline dial back as she joins him in saying, "It's not real."

"No baby, it's not," he agrees. "Not now. We're here, you're safe."

She turns at that and pushes her face into his embrace. The sobs that come now are ones of relief. He wraps her fully in his arms and just holds on.

"I couldn't get out, Travis," she gasps against his shirt. "There was water and the doors... They wouldn't let me out."

She's not sure who "they" were. There were no faces, but she could easily take a guess. It wouldn't take an extra visit to her therapist to decode that one.

He puts his hand on her hair and sways them. Holds on and murmurs that she's safe. He doesn't try to shush her or get her to think of something else. Just let's her cry and stays with her.

"I want it to stop. Why won't it just stop?" she pleads, knowing he doesn't have the answers. Knowing it's not fair that he's the one left to pick up the pieces of her still-damaged heart. Even when all she wants is to hand it to him complete, knowing she's leaving it in the best hands.

He's quiet for a moment and then he hitches her closer before leaning back against the headboard, taking her with him. And then he starts to talk.

"Back in college, I had this offensive line coach who was pretty quiet, and honestly, I never knew if he actually liked me. One day, when I was trying to get back on the team after being suspended, I bumped into him at the high school near our campus, where I was running stairs. Turns out, his kid went there. I was embarrassed because I wasn't allowed to use the gym on campus. Despite what Jason thought, I wasn't sure I'd ever make it back on the team. So I was feeling defeated and seeing my old coach just made it worse.

"But he just looked at me, put his stuff down, and started running up the next set of stairs. And I went after him til we ran the whole thing. After, he told me that the only way out is through. And if I was willing to go through it, so would he. And once a week, he'd come and run with me until I was back on the team. It was still shitty until I got back, but he was always there. Even if you know what's on the other side, Tay. Even if you might be ready for it. The only way out is through."

She inhales the first deep breath she's been able to take since waking. She knows he's right. She wishes he wasn't.

"It's hard. I'm tired," she confesses. "I know what I want and that isn't it."

"I know you are," he soothes. "You are so strong, and you can do this on your own. But you don't have to. I'm here, ready to run the steps with you."

"I'm sorry you have to," she sighs.

"Hey," he says, turning her face towards him to look her in the eyes. "I'm not, okay? I'm not sorry or put out or missing out. I'm exactly where I want to be—with you. That's all I need. We both have our shit. And I'm saying I'm here to deal with it together."

"I want that too. I...I want for us to deal with everything together, good or bad. I want to be there together."

"Better or worse?" he asks, seriously.

"Better or worse," she replies, knowing he means it. Knowing there is a real promise in his words. One she's never been given before. One he had readily given her a few weeks ago on a humid night after the Argentina show. One she knows someday sooner rather than later, he'll make good on.

"So we go through it. And just you wait until we're on the other side."

She sits up and puts her hands on either side of his face, wanting to emphasize what she is about to say.

"Travis, my brain is still catching up, but my heart? I promise it's on the other side with you. We are on the other side."

He pulls her in and kisses her softly before agreeing, "You're right. We are."

She leans in to kiss him again And the crash from the adrenaline starts to catch up with her.

He runs his thumbs under her tired eyes and asks, "Think you can sleep, baby?"

"Yeah, will you hold me?"

"Of course. I won't let go."

They get back under the covers, and he pulls her close, surrounding her. She tucks her hand up under his side and feels herself start to drift. But she has to let him know one more thing before she falls asleep.

"I know you won't let go." 


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