The Waters - A Beta Squad Story (bxb)

21. I Wish To Take It Back

"Are you okay?" Niko whispered, his voice hoarse from their exertions. Aj nodded, his cheek resting against Niko's chest.

Niko got up and went to retrieve a wet towel from his bathroom. He cleaned up the mess between his legs, then used the other side to gently wipe down Aj. The touch of the cool towel against his skin sent shivers down Aj's spine. He looked up at Niko, still feeling raw and exposed, but comforted by the other man's presence.

As Niko finished cleaning up and left for the bathroom, something in Aj's chest hurt. It was the same pain he had felt when Niko had left, only worse. The afterglow had completely left Aj's body, and he was left with an overbearing feeling of self-hatred.

He knew what he had done was wrong. He knew that what they had just done was wrong. And now that it was over, he wished it hadn't happened. He wished he could go back in time and change it, but he couldn't. He wished he could go back to the way things were before, but he couldn't. He wished for a million things, but nothing seemed to change the fact that they had just slept together.

He wanted to hate Niko for this, for taking advantage of him when he was weak. But he couldn't hate him. Niko had been nothing but gentle and understanding during it, and even now, as he lay in the man's bed, he could still feel the phantom weight of Niko's body pressing against him.

Niko returned to the bed to see Aj trying to make himself as small as possible, his eyes screwed shut. He crawled into the bed next to him and wrapped his arm around his body. Aj stiffened for a moment, but then relaxed slightly into Niko's embrace.

"Hey," Niko whispered, gently stroking Aj's back. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere." He didn't know what else to say. He knew he couldn't fix everything with words, but he wanted Aj to know that he was there for him and that he cared.

Aj didn't respond, but he didn't pull away either. He lay there, tense and unyielding, his breath coming out in short, shaky gasps. Niko didn't want to pressure him into anything, so he just held him, letting Aj take the lead.

Time seemed to stand still as they lay there, the room dark and quiet. Niko could feel Aj's heart racing against his own chest, and it broke something inside him to know that he had caused that. He wished he could take back what they had done, but he knew that was impossible. All he could do was be there for Aj and offer him whatever comfort he could.

Aj tried not to cry. He tried so hard. But all of his efforts seemed useful in the minefield of his own mind.

His breath hitched, and a single tear trickled down his cheek. He felt Niko's arm tighten around him, offering what little comfort he could. It was like a knife in his heart—the contrast between how he felt and how Niko was treating him.

"Aj," Niko whispered, his voice rough with emotion. "Hey, look at me." Aj hesitated, but eventually turned his head to look at Niko. Their eyes met, and Niko saw the pain etched in Aj's features. "I'm so sorry if I made you feel like this," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I never meant to hurt you."

Aj didn't say anything, but he felt a little bit of the weight in his chest lift. Niko didn't try to deny what had happened or make excuses. He simply acknowledged it and apologized. It was more than Aj had expected, and it made him feel a tiny bit better. Niko didn't need to apologise; he was the one to blame, and he consented, so the fact that he was taking the blame made Aj feel just a little bit more obsessed with him.

He let out a shuddering breath and a small sob, leaning into Niko's embrace a little more. He felt the other man's warmth and the steady rhythm of his heart, and for a moment, it was almost enough to make him feel safe.

"It's not your fault," he managed to choke out. "It's mine. I shouldn't have done that."

Niko tightened his grip around Aj, pulling him closer. "No, it's not just your fault. We're both adults here, and we both made a choice."