Poems probably

brain number 19

journal entry because my journal has been lost for a little too long and i need to write my thoughts out somewhere but i dont wanna do it in my sketchbook or my notes app or some random paper

I can never stop thinking. I put on my headphones to quiet my silent rambling and try to stop my thoughts but then I get too focused on the beat or the synth or the lyrics and the cycle starts all over again. I think about the good and the bad and the world and the future and the past like i'm seeking an answer I know how to look for, when really I don't. It's not like I overthink in a bad way all the time. There are pros and cons to everything, nothing is inherently good or bad, it's always a mix of the two that will even out one way or another and i'm already doing it again. It's like i'm stuck in a loop. It's a curse but a blessing and i'm the happiest i've ever been but I also feel the worst I ever had. My feet have hit rock bottom but my hands are up in the sky and i'm smiling and laughing. And I feel so weird because neither my happiness nor my sadness are inauthentic or over-exaggerated and what i'm saying is entirely, truly true. 

I map out these complex ideals in my head, maybe the way a perfect world could be organized or just a pattern to draw in the mud when all the ice melts and march actually feels like march. I talk to myself, explaining myself and all my opinions on everything. My every waking moment is a constant, silent debate with myself. I find it hard to even understand myself because all my opinions seem to stretch onto both sides of any dichotomy and I don't often find things i am entirely on one side of, because I find it so easy to look at something from all possible aspects even as much as I don't want to. And it's getting late and i'm only really even here because a while ago my friends told me to get on this website and write stuff and that somehow led up to this moment in time where i've lost my journal, have access to a keyboard with which I can write down my internal monologue in real time in ways i cant with my slow handwriting, and really needed a place to have a permanent thought. What am I even saying.

I know I have a problem with overthinking. My dad told me directly a few days ago, and as much as I wanted to deny it I knew he was right. I know exactly who I am but nothing about myself at the exact same time and I want to do everything but nothing at all simultaneously and having a mind is just really hard right now. But I love my mind and how it works and I want to live with it and I can't stop with these goddamned self contradictions. I really want to see a therapist or someone that can help me with myself, but my doctor says that diagnosis typically comes before treatment and i suppose there's some sort of silent agreement between her and my parents that that's the route i'll be taking. And it sucks really really bad because I have symptoms for a good few different disorders but I don't meet the criteria to get assessed let alone tested for any of them because my symptoms don't line up with any of them in the way that they should and it's all just really really complicated and confusing right now. I guess I just need to have a little patience with myself and i should probably work on not getting so angry at everything because I do that too much and I just don't like getting mad around people I love.