One Shots

Humorless Jokes

TW: mentions of suicide

"Oh, maybe I'll just kill myself then," I said in a joking tone after we read through what we had to do for our assignment but immediately regretted it. My best friend and I may make light of our mental issues, but this wasn't my best friend I was talking to.

Our professor split our class into pairs for a homework assignment. My partner was someone I'd consider a friend. We're a little more than acquaintances, but we really only ever talk on campus.

We met during our first semester, having shared a class, and we got closer this semester when we found out that we shared more than one class.

That being said, Anna definitely doesn't have the mental illnesses I do, and I hold myself back when we hang out. I don't try to hide myself or anything, but people act differently depending on who they're around. And I simply don't behave the same way around casual friends as I do around my best friend, who has been in my life for years and understands me like no one else does.

And that's why I winced a little upon seeing her concerned reaction to my comment.

She let out a quiet, "Oh," then continued at a normal volume, "Is everything okay?"

I forgot normal people don't joke about suicide, I thought dryly to myself.

"Oh, yeah. Nothing out of the ordinary...I was just joking..." I trailed off, noticing that she wasn't even a little relieved.

"It's not really a funny joke," Anna replied.

And shit, how was I supposed to explain that Abby would've laughed? It's a coping mechanism of ours. Sometimes, it's easy to forget that not everyone casually thinks about suicide. I might consider the idea and think about it from time to time, but it's not like I'd actually attempt it, you know? But others don't see it like that.

"Yeah, you're right," I quietly conceded. Remind me not to slip up like that again around Anna. Save the depressing comments for Abby, who I will be reciting this current conversation to when I get a chance later.

I tried to steer the conversation back over to our assignment, but Anna kept glancing over. And great. Now, she thinks I'm someone she has to look out for.

I did what I could to ignore the looks she was sending my way, but she clearly wasn't done with the new information.

"You can talk about it, you know." She was very trepid in her delivery, not wanting to cross any lines. It was sweet, but she was treating me like I'm something fragile when I've had plenty of time to come to terms with my issues. This isn't anything new. "If something is going on, you can talk to me or another friend or they have um, resources on campus."

Before she could keep going, I said, "Thanks, Anna. I have a support system" if ranting to Abby during any and all hours throughout the day counts. "And it's not exactly- I have my ways of coping. You don't need to worry about it."

She eyed me like she didn't totally believe me, but she let it go. Well, she did after one last, "You can always come to me if you need to."

"I appreciate it," I told her, knowing full well that I would just go to Abby if I needed to talk to someone.

And this time we were able to work on and stay focused on the assignment due in a few days.