Would you love me if I was a girl?

Uncertain

When Merlin returned to Gaius chambers later that night he was deep in thought. He didn't know what had happened before in the prince's chambers. He tried to sleep but every time he closed his eyes the image of golden hair and ocean blue eyes painted the dark inside of his eyelids. He couldn't escape the image of Arthur, it was as if it was burned to his eyes. His eyes so close to his, His smile so close to his lips. and his arms so close he could almost feel them around him. He felt himself walk away, walk away from the thought of Arthur and walk away from the feeling of him. Merlin let out a deep breath and opened his eyes. He can't feel like this for the prince, he could never be his.

Merlin was walking up the corridors, not in a hurry. The servants he passed looked surprised but didn't really give it a second thought but continued their morning chores. He was right on time when he arrived at the Princes chambers. He placed the plate on the table and looked over at Arthur. He was sleeping one arm over his head the other over his exposed chest. The coves were down by his waist. A small ray of light found its way to the prince, highlighting his upper body. Merlin walked over to the curtain and dragged them open letting the light of the morning sun into the room. Arthur groaned and turned away from the window. "Good morning, sire" Merlin said walking over to Arthur. When was sure the prince was awake he walked around the room starting to do his morning chores while Arthur ate.

Arthur looked at him with a frown from the table. Merlin wasn't acting like usual, something was wrong but he didn't know what it was. Merlin isn't a good servant Arthur knew that, he was always late and Arthur was usually dragged out of bed in the mornings but he was surprisingly okay with it. He liked the way Merlin did things, he had his own way of doing it. But today he was weirdly normal, he was right on time with a good breakfast but it was also the way he didn't look at him. All morning he avoided Arthur's eyes and it somehow made Arthur worry. He hadn't realized just how much missed the servants eyes before they no longer looked in his. "Have you already eaten today, Merlin?" Arthur asked trying to get Merlin's attention but when he didn't get an answer he called his name again slightly louder. "Merlin?" Arthur could see Merlin had heard him now, he had his back turned to the prince and he remained like that when he spoke. "Why do you ask?" He replied with another question. "You usually join me in the mornings, I just wondered why not today" Arthur still looked at Merlin's back wanting him to turn around and face him but he never did. "I had time to eat and so I did," Merlin answered shortly before turning towards Arthur and looking down at the floor. "I shall leave you to your breakfast then, sire" He quickly bowed his head before leaving Arthur alone in the room.

Merlin closed the door after himself before he started running down the corridor. He found an empty room further down the hall and closed the door surrounding himself in darkness. He leaned against the wall letting out a deep sigh before the tears started to fall. He slowly slides down to the floor burying his head in his hands. Why on earth did Arthur have to be so perfect and make it so unbelievably hard for Merlin to stop liking him. Merlin, a servant boy who probably would be killed if anyone found out who he really was, just had to have a stupid crush on the stupid prince of Camelot. Arthur would hate him if he knew the truth. He would hate him if he ever found out Merlin had no intentions of having a wife, that he had never liked a girl in his life and that the thought of kissing one made him feel uncomfortable. But most of all he would hate him for his magic. Two things that he couldn't change about himself, the two things that made him who he is would also be the two things Arthur would hate the most about him. The palms of his hands were wet from tears that soon rolled down his arms and the taste of salt filled his mouth.

Suddenly without a warning the door opened next to him and the light from the corridor filled the room. Merlin froze and bit his lip trying hard not to make a sound but he had already been seen so it was no point. "Merlin?" A man spoke. Merlin could see his boots form the gap between his legs. Lancelot. "Merlin are you alright?" he sounded a little worried now as he looked down at him. Merlin wiped some of the tears away with his sleeves before looking up at Lancelot, his eyes were red and glossy while his cheeks were all red and flushed. "Gosh Merlin, what has happened?" Lancelot got down on one knee and closed the door, he brushed away some hair from Merlin's face while trying to see if he was hurt. "Arthur" Merlin answered his voice was barely a whisper. "Did he hurt you?" Lancelot was still holding Merlin's head while looking at him with a worried look on his face. "No" Merlin turned his head and Lancelot's hand fell to his side. "He just.." Merlin avoided Lancelot's eyes and looked down at the floor. "He... I just did something stupid" Lancelot frowned and sat down in front of him. "What do you mean?" He asked. "Something happened yesterday after the feast and now Arthur acts like it was nothing, i'm not even sure he remembers it '' Merlin didn't think it was possible for him to cry more but now new tears started to roll down his cheeks. He turned his head away from Lancelot and tried to whip them away but they kept coming. "And now he probably thinks i don't even want to be around him, and even if that's true I still don't want him to think he did something wrong" Merlin talked fast making it hard for Lancelot to hear what he said. "Merlin, calm down" He placed a hand on the warlock's shoulder "What happened after the feast". Merlin turned to look at him, finally meeting Lancelot's eyes. "I don't really know, just things but that's not even the point" Merlin said, taking a deep breath trying to calm himself. "Lancelot, he would hate me if he ever found out about who I really was" He looked down at the floor again, Lancelot just stared down at him. "I'm not sure he could ever truly hate you Merlin" Lancelot tried to cheer him up. "No Lancelot he really would and if not then the fact that I like him would" Lancelot's eyes widened slightly in realization and Merlin covered his mouth with his hand. "I.. it's not" He tried to explain himself but it was already too late. Lancelot just sat there for a while and looked down at Merlin who began to sob again, he reached out for the boy and pulled him into a hug. "I am sure it will be fine," He said softly as Merlin rested his head on his shoulder. "Everything is going to be alright".

So the sixth chapter is done! I don't really know what's going on to be honest, I've spent like the last week or so trying to figure out what I think should happen later in the story but I still don't really know so I'm open for suggestions. Anyway, hope You liked and enjoyed it,

Bye <3