NERVOUS, lewis hamilton

10

After the Austrian Grand Prix she had gotten the worst verbal beating since her lovely father.

It was difficult to keep calm as Christian yelled and yelled at her. But she did because she refused to stoop to his level. That and she didn't like yelling. It was too loud and reminded her of bad days and bad nights.

Yelling mostly reminded her of her father and she couldn't remember anything good about him.

It was a fun deja vu moment when Christian yelled at her in front of every member of the team in the debrief on Tuesday. No one had the guts to say anything as he berated her and she chose not to give him the satisfaction of reacting, keeping her face blank of any reaction which seemed to piss him off even more.

He ended the scolding with, "We didn't even need you. You should have just retired or crashed even. It would have given us the same results."

Then she had to sit there afterwards, dealing with the rest of the debrief and act like she didn't care. Like she wasn't raging on the inside. It was good that she had perfected the mask of indifference. She might come off as arrogant to others, dislikable even. But she'd rather have people not like her than come off as weak.

It worked since most people called her an awfully talented driver with a god complex.

That was better than being known as a weak and broken girl who still pleaded late at night that she had a dad instead of a father.

She didn't want people to know that her biggest nightmare was the person who was a part of the reason for her existence.

No one needed to know that. Instead they knew the competitive and overly confident version of her.

It was absolutely fantastic to start off this race week on such a negative note. They were in Silverstone, her home race. Seraphina found herself 'grateful' for all the abuse, racism and sexism she's dealt with over the years, all telling her she wasn't good enough. Because it made her learn to use all of that negative as fuel to win and that's what she would do with Christian's negativity. Don't get her wrong she hated it and it's disgusting but it had made her stronger in a way, even if she hadn't needed to be treated the way she had been.

So she had three main motivators for this weekend. Christian's bitchy behavior, the fact that it's her home race and most importantly, her revenge plan which she had not forgotten about.

Seraphina could admit the one day truce in Monaco was nice, but it was just that. A one day truce. Hatred still burned inside her every time she laid her eyes on him. In truth she was sure she would never forget what he did, neither did she want to.

Lewis didn't deserve her forgiveness.

That was the truth. She didn't care that he had apologised. She didn't care that he looked like he meant it. He fucked up. He betrayed her trust, used one of her biggest insecurities against her. One only he knew about because she felt like she could trust him with the information.

Because the truth was, she was explosive. He never lied about that. He didn't make it up. It was just the truth. Her anger was her biggest weakness and it didn't help that it could fire up at the smallest things. Though it was worse before. She had learned to have it under control more over the years. She found a way to calm down since she had to replace her old way thirteen years ago.

Her anger issues made her unreliable. Like she said, it was worse before since she never learned how to keep it under control. Why would she need to learn control when she just needed Lewis's presence to calm her down?

Not having him around was like culture shock. That was the best way to describe it and she had to adjust quickly since her anger issues used to be really bad.