Haulted Dreams

Solei

3 years Later...

"Mamita, you have to start getting out the house more. I'm worried about you."
I hate the look my father gives me. It's a look of sadness and pity. He sits a cup of tea in front of me with avocado toast and my stomach instantly does not want it.
Years later and I still can't bring myself back to reality. I feel like I'm stuck in a reoccurring nightmare. Everyday I wake up wishing it never happened ,but it did and here I am with no Laith and no Lillie Rose. My tears start streaming down my face as I hold my stomach. Running my finger over the nasty scar where I was shot.
I never even got to see her face. Never got to count all her fingers and toes. See if she had a lot of hair because lord,that heartburn! I didn't get to Smell her sweet baby scent. And Who did she look like? It was always a playful fight between myself and Laith that she was going to look exactly like him.
And I swore the only thing she would have was his hazel eyes. Now I'll never know.
"I'm sorry ,papi. I'm a mess!" I say as I grab for the tissues he's handing me.

"Nonsense. You have every right to feel whatever you're feeling right now. But know that I'm here for you,lei. I will always be here."  He grabs me into a hug and I sob.
Why me? Why my baby? Why Laith?

I somehow was blamed for his death by his stepfather and his mom  sat there and let it happen .While I was in the hospital, in a coma for 3 days,they had Laith cremated and a week later took his ashes to Italy. I never even got to get any of them. They spread them at his families vacation villa and then Sold it! Why? All the memories that we had every summer there. I lost my virginity to him at that house. We planned on keeping that house forever. They knew! And they just said fuck me,once he was gone. Why scatter ashes  somewhere you can't even go to anymore. But they claimed he would've wanted it that way,and honestly,there's no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't. Out of all this his mother surprised me the most. We were so close! When my mom succomed to her addiction, she took me under her wing as her own. She always said "Your mother was my best friend, I'll forever be here for you."
Well where are you now, Mari? I know they say death changes people,but never would I imagine that it would be like this. They  paid  for my Lillie Roses funeral and headstone. My father tried to help pay and they refused,so instead he planted a memorial tree in my yard for Lillie .If I didn't have a place to visit my baby, I would go nuts.
Don't get me started on Luca's step dad Vincenzo. He NEVER liked me! Which there was no reason not to. He was barely home,but when he was it was like I wasn't allowed there. That was "his families" time.  There's no doubt in my mind he was into some sketchy shit! I mean ,I never seen Mari work a day in her life and their house was one of the biggest on the block. The only house that had an in ground pool and tennis court in their backyard. You're not making that much money off of "Restoring classic cars" or whatever it is he claimed he did.No matter what he did though, he kept his family out of it to the point that we didn't know anything,so I guess that's a plus. 
"Solei,did you hear me?"
"Um,no sorry papi,  I'm just exhausted. What happened?"

"I said ,your brothers called me saying how they havent  heard from you in days. I understand your pain ,baby,but don't shut your brothers out."

"I'm not. It's just whenever I talk to Miguel  he wants to remind me how lucky I am to be alive still,but am I really? I'm not living. I'm a shell of myself. This isn't luck! My fiance and my baby are not walking this earth with me. The only thing I'm happy for when I wake up everyday is that I'm one step closer to death and seeing my loves again. And Milo, he calls ask how I am and that's all. Sometimes he feels too distant."
Suicide was never an option for me. As much as it hurts and I felt like my life was over, I know I couldn't give up that easily. Laith wouldn't want that. And I have to keep living for them. If I don't, then who's going to get revenge on all those fuckers from that night at the carnival!
Nobody knew about my plans. Nobody knew that I have been getting out the house. Mostly at night,but I've been hitting the gun range and taking a self defense training course that they offer there . I've gotten pretty good! Or should I say better. Not to toot my own horn but the instructors love me there. They can't believe how fast I caught on to learning techniques. What they don't know is that  my father is a known drug dealer. Or should I say was. He came here from Cuba 43 years ago and it was the easiest "job" for him and his brother to get into. They got here on a boat with cocaine taped to themselves . Blessed to make it because many didn't. He met up with a friend that was already in the game over here and from then he became big time. He's out of the game nowadays. Says he's getting "too old" . So he has his little soldiers,as I like to call them, and my brother runs them or some shit. I stay out of it. At the age of 5 i was in the field with my dad learning how to shoot. My mom hated it! But she was always too high on pills to even fight my father on it. She was a high functioning drug addict. You wouldn't even be able to tell. Shit I never knew until she passed away. I always thought my mom was just this loving ,happy go lucky woman who liked to talk shit sometimes and was so beautiful. I really do miss her.Losing your mom at 18 hits hard. Losing a parent at all,but I really needed her then.  My brother was the one who found her. Apparently someone sold my dad some pills laced with fentanyl and my mom got into them. Ever since then it's been my dad and brothers mission to find out who the snake was and eliminate them.8 years later and still nothing.
My dad and Laiths step father never got along which made me believe was the reason he hated me. As we became adults there was no doubt in our minds that our fathers hated each other because they were on opposite sides of the game. Rivals,most likely. One must own more "corners" then the other or however that shit works. But one thing for sure, they never involved us in anything. We lived normal ,ignorant lives.  Completely sheltered off to that world. I can honestly say my childhood was great,besides the obvious.
"You're brothers means no harm. Please just return their calls. You know they love you and worry. "
I know my brothers mean well. But they know every year when the anniversary comes up I'm a mess. I literally shut down for the whole month of May. This year I can actually say has been way better. I don't know if it's because I've been going to therapy finally. Maybe it's because I'm taking the self defense courses. What I really think it is though is the fact that I have One of the Men involved that night of the shooting tied up in my basement.