From the Start (Reiner Braun X Reader)

9 [Letter]

[F/N],

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you for everything. Thank you for allowing me into your life once again, and thank you for wanting me on your side. Even though we've discussed this in person, there isn't any way I can say it enough. I wish that I could put how grateful I am into words, but I think I would just embarrass myself. I know that you had so much to consider, but I will be forever thankful for the decision you made in the end.

Secondly, I'm sure you received an invitation to Historia's Ball earlier this morning. As did I. Jean and I will be leaving for Paradis tomorrow morning to assist her in some of the early preparations. She has asked for the two of us specifically, so we will be catching the next ship to the island as early as we can. If you need to talk to me or need to reach out to me for any reason, please do not hesitate to write. If not, then I hope you and I will be able to see each other again at the Welcoming of Fall.

Originally, I wasn't going to write you this letter. I hoped that all of this could have been something that I would be able to say to you in person, but each time I try, I don't think I have the courage to. I worry about what I may say, or how you may interpret my words.

Admittedly, I've been thinking a lot about the past. Looking back on distant memories has been something I've always done, but doing so made me realize how much you were actually in my life before. After what happened when I opened my loud mouth back on the wall, I thought that would be the last time the two of us may ever see each other again. I remember all the things you shouted at Bertholdt and I that day. I remember thinking about how such a lovely person could have such a foul mouth. I knew I would miss that. And by the nine, I did.

Over those following years, I tried to convince myself that I hated you and that all you had done was brainwash me. When I was by myself in Marley before everything happened with Eren, I told anyone that would listen about how I couldn't stand you and your friends. While trying to convince everyone around me that you were all just a bunch of devils, I found out that, no matter how much I lied, I just could not convince myself. I couldn't bring myself to hate you. I told lies about you to get people to do it for me, but I just could not. Eventually, after a few years, I found myself thinking of you less and less. I thought I had finally gotten you out of my mind. I thought I had finally convinced myself to hate you.

And then I saw you again. We were fighting alongside each other again. We were on each other's sides again, then we weren't, then we were. It feels like a breath of fresh air. But you were in my mind again. Those five years were more difficult than I could have imagined. I cannot even describe how happy I am that it's over. I hadn't really understood how I was feeling until recently, actually. It took a long talk with Jean to understand my emotions and my actions as of lately. I had been giving my attention to the wrong people, focusing on the wrong things.

Honestly, I think I might've felt this way about you from the start.

Remember when I saved you from that titan, and then you proceeded to kill it because I messed up big time? I almost had to physically restrain myself from getting off my horse and getting on one knee on the spot. Of course, then, I thought nothing of it. I tried to ignore all of the things I was feeling for you because I really thought that they were nothing. But I've never felt like that before. I've never felt like this before. To think I spent so much of my life just trying to dislike you almost makes me laugh.

[F/N], I really hope to see you at the Welcoming of Fall. I understand how sudden this may sound, especially coming from me, so I do not expect you to welcome my feelings with open arms. The last thing I want to do is put any sort of pressure on you, especially if you're unsure or not interested. Please, like I said earlier, if there is anything you need to tell me, please do not hesitate to write to me. I will be residing in the castle for the time being.