Young

17 - Unbearable Guilt

I woke to a view of white ceiling tiles and the sound of my own breath. I felt a piercing sensation in my arm that was horrifically familiar. Panic and terror gripped me as I convulsed up to a sitting position with a guttural scream, frantically ripping the needles from my body.

A nurse rushed in and tried to hold me as I instinctively slashed at her face.

"You're safe honey, no one's going to hurt you here. Shhhhh...that's it...calm down. We had to give you some nourishment somehow. You've been asleep for three days."

Sweat trickled down my neck as my breath slowed. I looked past her and saw him running into the room.

My rock...my love...Blake.

He rushed to my bedside and wrapped his arms around me as I buried my head against his chest, the sound of his heartbeat assuring me that everything was finally going to be okay.

"Blake, it's really you."

"I thought...my God...I thought you were dead," Blake said as he looked away for a moment, on the verge of tears.

"I'm so sorry I-I didn't get the gas like you told me to," I said.

"Veronica, what happened over the last two weeks?!"

I took a couple deep breaths and told him everything.

As he listened I got the feeling that there was something he had to tell me but was holding back.

"Blake, isn't it just awful?"

"We notified the sheriff when you didn't come back that night. They said if you didn't show up by dawn they would organize a search. Paul and I joined the search and finally discovered the car. Both your parents flew up right away when they heard, Annette's too.

On the fifth day we found your blouses, bloodied and torn. Next to them there was a dead coyote. We thought you'd been killed by wild animals but it was mysterious because there were no remains. The detective told us they would let us know if anything else turned up and that's when we made the decision to go back to Minnesota. Your father took it very hard Veronica. He had a sudden heart attack and...well...he passed away."

I shook my head in disbelief and whispered. "He's a strong man. That can't happen to him, not my dad."

I stared off in the distance and thought God, what did I do to deserve this?

I felt completely numb, hollowed out, empty. All my tears had been spent.

I said, almost inaudibly, "What about Mom?"

"She's been through a lot of stress. Your mother thought she had lost her only child and husband both at the same time."

The voice of guilt was eating away at me. This was all MY fault. I'm the one who really wanted to go on the trip,  forgot the gas, and ran towards the lake.

Annette and Dad would still be alive if it wasn't for my irresponsible actions.

They protected and cherished me.

What did I do?

In my mind it felt like I had killed them myself.

Blake continued, "When Annette's parents got the news that you'd been found they flew back with me. The detectives will do a thorough search and who knows, maybe there's a chance she's still alive."

I raised my swollen eyes to his with a look of despair as I said with trembling lips, "She's dead...I just know it."

Steve was taken to a facility specializing in mental disorders and Annette's parents went back to Minnesota heartbroken with no sign of Annette, dead or alive. They didn't say anything but I knew what they were thinking.

Why did this happen to my daughter and not to her?

Blake flew back with me to Winona. Mom didn't have much to say. The enormous trials of the last couple weeks had not only drained her physically but mentally and emotionally as well. She was a completely different person.

Blake stayed with us for a couple days for support and then had to go back to Minneapolis to his job as a civil engineer. He drove up weekly to comfort me, hold me, and love me. Despite my brokenness, he still wanted to marry me. He said my wings may have been clipped but that I was still his Earth Angel.

We settled on a date, June of 1965. He took care of most of the arrangements so that I hardly had to think about anything. Of course he put everything past me for a final stamp of approval.

When the wedding day arrived it was everything I could have wished for but bittersweet. I couldn't imagine being in love with anyone else.

Blake was my everything.

I put on a joyous face but in my heart of hearts there was a battle between rapturous ecstasy and ominous despair as Annette's dad walked me down the aisle.

In that quiet time near the end of the wedding reception, when things start wrapping up, I sat down with Paul at a now empty table and shared my experiences.

"I felt a physical change deep in my body after that lightning strike. I know you're brilliant, Paul. Do you have any idea what it could have been?"

He thought about it for a minute, tapping his fingers on the table.

"The charge should have killed you in submerged water but you said there was something else in there, Randolph's death serum. Your body didn't respond to it like everyone else. It sounds like you had an immunity but it has to be more complex than that. There was a storm in the desert, very unusual. The dryness of the air could have contributed to...something. Maybe an infinite number of factors all came together in exactly the right way so that something which would have certainly killed anyone else, had no effect on you."

I nodded and said, "The feeling after that strike was so intense, Paul. I'm not the same as I was before but can't place my finger on what's so different about me."

"After all you've been through I'm sure you do feel like a different person. Anyone surviving a charge that massive is bound to feel like they went through a life changing experience."

I shook my head thoughtfully and said, "I suppose you're right but it seems bigger than that."

Paul stood up abruptly and said, "I have to go. I'll never forget you."

With that he nodded and walked away.

"Paul, wait!"

I rushed over to him and said, "When will I see you again?"

"I'm not sure, I've been offered a position in Wisconsin."

"Write me?"

He nodded as I flung my arms around him and said, "You've been such a good friend to me over the years. I'll miss you so much!!"

His body trembled with emotion as he said, "Good-bye Veronica."

When Paul left, my childhood left with him.