Crush

Today is the match against England. I'm a bit pissed again since I wanted to go out yesterday but wasn't allowed because of the match. Then some of my teammates heard that and started a fight again accusing me of only wanting to hookup with someone again. To be fair that is what I wanted to do. I always do that when I'm stressed. I go to a bar, have some drinks and have one night stand. It just distracts me from how miserable my life actually is. I sometimes wish I would just have someone to go to. Someone to talk to. I don't have that. I never knew my dad and my mum was an alcoholic and left when I was 12. I stayed in foster families from then on but never bonded with them.

Now I'm sitting in the bus alone again. Everyone else is laughing and having a good time while I'm just looking out of the window. I sigh and listen to some music. There has to be something to do to get my life any better. I need to get out of this dark hole where I'm in. I get my phone out and type a message to my agent telling him to look into Arsenal. I really want to go there. Maybe that will give me the new start that I needed for so long.

We arrive at the stadium now and go to the dressing room. I don't talk to anyone. I just want to do my job and this camp to end.

"Are you okay?" Our coach asks me. Why is she asking me that? I probably don't look okay. I am not okay.

"Yes." I lie.

"Please keep your nerves together today. We don't need any unnecessary confrontation on the pitch." He says at me.

"Okay." I just nod. I don't want to argue now. I'm known for getting many yellow cards so his words make sense. I tie my shoe laces as Beck sits next to me.

"Everything okay?" She asks. Why is everyone asking me that?

"Stop asking me that. Do I look that horrible?" I scoff at her. She seems to be taken back by my answer a bit.

"No, that's not what I wanted to say. You actually look-" she wants to defend herself.

"Yeah alright. I'm fine." I cut her off. She lets out a sigh and leans back. Why is she still here? This woman confuses me sometimes.

"I'm sorry that I didn't sit next to you on the bus." She says.

"I don't care. No one ever sits with me and I don't need someone next to me." I immediately say.

"What about when we drive back?"

"Also don't need someone." I shake my head and concentrate on my shoes.

"But it will be dark." She says. I shoot my head up and glare at her. Is she for real bringing this up now?

"Shut up. I'm not a baby." I say. Someday she accidentally found out that I'm scared of the dark. I have been scared of the dark ever since my childhood because my mum always used to put me into my room without the lights on when she punished me. I never wanted anyone to know about that fear because it's embarrassing. I don't want to sound weak or something.

"Sorry." Beck apologises. I wish I could have someone as close to me that I could confess that fear for real. I want to work on it but I can't. I just can't be in a dark room on my own. I hate that about myself.

"Leave me alone."

"Okay." This time she listens and leaves. She kind of upset me with mentioning the thing about darkness.

-

Now the match is about to start. We are out on the pitch and go on our positions. I checked out the England girls before. I know a few of them. I probably hooked up with one or two but I can't really remember. It's probably better not to think about that. Gen just comes back from shaking hands with the refs and the England captain. To be fair I was looking at their captain before. She is so my type. I would definitely hook up with her if I would see her in a bar. But we are not in a bar. We are on the pitch and she is my enemy.

The match kicks off. We got instructions to press from the beginning to kind of overwhelm them as long as they are not in the game so much. We start off aggressive and immediately create chances. I stay back in my defensive line and watch. I sometimes hate that I can't run forward that much. England react to our match plan quickly and the match gets really intense. I have the ball now and pass it forward starting an attack which actually leads to us scoring after just 20 minutes. That just made England even more frustrated. They were fast and ruthless. Their wingers are pretty hard to defend because they are so fast. They get a good chance but can't make it a goal.
We lead 1-0 for the break.

In the second half it just takes England about 7 minutes to get the equaliser. I get more frustrated as that happens. I try to give as many balls forward as possible but nothing works. Why can't they just score? I'm about to do it myself. What are we having strikers for? The England defence is holding strong against us.
Then we get a corner so we all stand in front of the goal. The England captain next to me. I try to push her away a bit as she seems to be really close to me. The corner gets kicked and we all jump. I jump into the captains back and she falls down. I can hold myself on my feet. Why is she standing there? She looks up at me and seems to be angry. Why is she angry? I didn't even do anything.

"Why are you pushing me like that?" She screams at me. What the hell? I'm already angry and this just made it worse. Who does she think she is? Why is she screaming at me like that? I'm so angry and frustrated that I don't think about my next action. I just purposely step on her hand. She screams and within a few seconds multiple England players are coming at me pushing me back. The blonde is laying on the floor hitting the grass and moaning in pain. I hear the whistle of the referee.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Kat is screaming at me. Of course what I did was stupid but I didn't have another choice. The referee shows me the red card. I expected that. I don't even complain.

"You are the worst part of this team." Kat says. True.

"At least I will be gone now." I scoff at her and walk off the field without looking back. I don't care about anything. I just walk straight into the dressing room.

I sit down and drink some water to cool down. I'm still angry but what I did was stupid. She deserved it but now I can't play anymore. She shouldn't have screamed at me like that. It was her fault. I hope we can still win this although I doubt that. I know they all hate me and now I gave them a reason. I just have to wait now. I don't really want to see them after the match because that will just cause more fighting.

I followed the match on my phone. We lost 2-1 in the end. Now I just wait. Then the door opens and they all come inside. They look pissed. No one even looks at me. Except for Kat who seems to be in rage.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She comes at me.

"What?" I just roll my eyes.

"You broke her hand, you maniac." She says. I broke her hand? Seems a bit much. I didn't even stepped that hard.

"Maybe she is just a bit dramatic. It was just a little step." I brush it off.

"I hope you will be banned for a while."

"Then you are fucked." I laugh.

"Don't think too high of yourself."

"Come on. Go on. Punch on me as long as you want to. I don't care." I say. I'm used to it. She shakes her head and walks off. I just sigh. Then our coach comes up to me. Now I am fucked.

"Rosalie." He says in a stern voice. Shit. I look up at him. "I'm very disappointed in you for how you behaved today. You won't play for a while. I hope you know that."

"Yeah." I just say. There isn't anything else I can say. I can't mess this up more than I did already. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to go back to the hotel and go to bed.

We drive back to the hotel and I didn't speak to anyone. As always everyone ignored me. I go straight out of the bus and rush to my room. I can't do this anymore. I change my clothes and lay in bed. I curl up under the blanket and take my stuffed zebra from my bag. I hide it from everyone but it helps me to calm down. I got it from my grandma. She was the only one who ever was there for me when I was little. She died when I was 13. Ever since I keep that zebra with me all the time. I tightly hug it to my chest and dig my nose in it. I start to cry. I want to stop it from happening but I can't. The tears are just running down my cheeks. I feel so shit. I have no one. Everyone hates me. I fucked up everything. I feel so pathetic right now but I can't do anything against it. I'm just glad no one sees me right now. I want my life go get better and I really need to start with that.
I need to make a move in my life.